Weary

Had a number of conversations yesterday/today, or the day that was Tuesday, July 21, that kept me from the edge of the abyss, at least for another day. And I see skirmishes ahead. And I'm not sure what's next.

Just sort of a sum up of the last 48 hours: Nic had a meltdown of epic proportions on Monday that I need to just accept happened and walk away from. Leading up to that, we had a decent weekend that was preceded by a bike disappearance and an eval that told me exactly why G's confidence is in the toilet.

I had an email yesterday from the SPED director suggesting--well, no, actually telling me she wants to meet with me about putting my boys on the big bus. She doesn't think it's a good idea. Nic will attend this meeting, because the big bus truly is his decision. (And really, I can't understand why they won't put an adult on the bus--I know a bus that could REALLY USE an adult, but they won't on general principle).

BUT, the whole big bus thing terrifies me because this little band that already excludes my kids could really make both my boys' lives a living hell (as if they don't already). Do I really want to fight this battle?

We went to see UP again, and it nearly ended in disaster because G started screaming during the previews that he didn't want to be there. (For crying out loud, didn't I prepare them both all day and during the car ride that we were doing this?) I parked him in my lap, talked him off his ledge (thinking "oh no, not AGAIN!"), and he was fine and in his own seat by the end of the first third of the movie. A promised trip to Crate & Barrel ensured good behavior.

And that went fine. I sighed with relief to get home without incident.

But, in talking to friends, I realized why I was so devastated yesterday. I think my friend K nailed it when she pointed out to what degree we are vigilant about our kids, their surroundings, their reactions to surroundings, and people, and expectations (and the irony of course is not lost on me that I did back-to-back trainings on BEHAVIOR for God’s sake). Always on. And being always on isn’t always useful, is it? But regardless of its utility (or lack thereof), we can’t afford to let up, even for a moment. I do spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out, what sets either boy off, listening for things going on in a 50 yard radius at all times, and I didn't realize the extent to which this is true until I explained to hubby HOW I knew what I knew about what happened to Nic's bike. I am always on, always listening, always poised to react.

And yet, sometimes all that prep and work isn't enough...

I have to share a funny. I was in The Lady in the Water as an extra during the party scene. My kids have history a bit jumbled up and think I was in O Brother Where Art Thou. They both insist that I am the ‘third siren’ singing on track 10 who “loved Pete up and turned him into a horny toad.”

I guess it’s a cool thing that they think I am all that. I get ready to lose all hope and I have a moment remembering something like that. Maybe these moments exist to keep us from the abyss.