I don't believe in coincidence.
I do believe that everything, on some level, is pre-ordained. It's the choice, the free will of all people, that provide the variables that make life so interesting, challenging and unpredictable.
In this latest stage of my life, I find my walk with God has taken me alongside, fortuitously, some one else of similar mind and belief who is making me ask some hard, hard questions.
Not coincidentally, my older son is struggling with a constellation of issues. My husband and I find ourselves struggling against his well-mounted coping mechanisms. We re doing saying all the right things and taking the right actions. But he's not seeing or hearing us.
I found myself asking my 9-year-old in first light this morning: "Can you help me save your brother?"
Wise little man that he is, he did not answer.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Where to start?
Some things have gotten easier. I get fewer calls from school, now. Older boy successfully completed his first wrestling season with the support of his awesome teachers and staff; successfully completed his first season of CYO basketball, with the support of his fellow runners.
Younger son loves music class and piano, and is generally much happier and engaged. Not sure to what we owe it, but the fact that his classmates include him (as evidenced by his Valentine's Day party) probably has a lot to do with it.
Nic had a new friend, but now, that line is silent, and I'm not sure why.
And then there's all my village elder commitments. I find that the small, still voice is telling me to back off. And I'm not sure if that's the voice, my own exhaustion, or some combination of both.
The reality is this; as both boys get older, it's just not cool for mom to be so hands on. Last night at Nic's wrestling banquet (which went better than I ever could have imagined, by the way), I was reminded repeatedly that Nic needed to be Nic--for better or for worse. His teammates did a great job of keeping him in line, just like his peers are keeping him in line for stage crew.
Who said peer pressure can't be positive?
I am seeing an end to some of the things I am doing, though. I plan to follow through on my commitments to the end of this school year, and then refigure how best to spend my time and energy. I think I've done a lot of good, and I think I've done it all for the right reasons. But.....
....something I can't quite put my finger on. I just know that these things are coming to an end, and I'm not sure if that's me talking or God.
So. The next couple of months will play out and events will unfold as they will.
And the boys will be fine. It will not be easy, but when I think of what we've all already been through, I think we're up for anything.