Sunday, March 10, 2024

Pause

 I’m hitting pause.

The last month and change has been a bit bats. 

And the business trip in the midst of it didn’t help.

So today, by fits and starts, I am trying to get this place in order. I started with the birds (because also my office and the disorder became offensive, to me, which is saying something). I also found out something new about me; if I don’t know where to start, or if there are too many steps to get started, I won’t start at all. The workaround got me through the first part, and an assist from hubby the rest.

I found some bags, so I am starting to go through clothes. If I can get the upstairs under some control, it will be a good start.

Still feeling things hard. I’ll feel them and work through the best I can.

Sunday, March 3, 2024

One Month Ago….

 Things went sideways.

It started two days earlier with a group text my mom sent: My iPad is dying.

It was 5:30 am Thursday February 1. Part of me was rolling my eyes, thinking “so dramatic “ while another part of me wondered what my mom was really saying. She had a habit and history with saying something and meaning something else entirely.  She went on to say she was having trouble breathing and going to the doctor later. I was getting ready to drive to the office and wondered if I needed to stay back. 

Nothing was asked, so I went in as scheduled.

Later, she pinged us all again letting us know she went to the doctor, she has pneumonia, and she’s on medication and an inhaler.

Good, I think.

Then she goes on to say the nurse helped her walk to her car, she was so out of breath and so grateful for the help.

TF mom? 

This is the inflection point of the story; this is the part we all came back to, after. Why didn’t she get admitted to the hospital? Why was she driving herself around? Why?

She had been telling us for months she was ready. She had COVD a year ago around her birthday and hadn’t really felt good since. She had been struggling since October with back pain. She was going to need to move out of her beloved apartment while her building was being renovated—something she dreaded. Finally, she’s been missing my dad a very long time. The last time I saw her, around Christmas, she said, “I tell God every day, take me, Lord, I am ready when you are.”

So there was no stinking way she was going to admit herself to the hospital. She was doing a Paulie with her doctor, presenting as healthier than she actually was. She was done, she was telling us she was done, but I don’t think we were listening.

I was listening, but I thought we—she—had more time.

So when my phone blew up while I was attending a training on mental health support, I knew it was time.

They found her that morning, sitting in her favorite chair, snuggled under her favorite blanket, tea cooled on the table next to her chair. Her glasses were on, and she looked as though she were thinking and about to say something.

Except it was dark. The pilot light was out.

And just like that, we’re orphans.

I woke up the next morning with an incredible feeling of peace. Mom and I did not have the best relationship here on earth, but I had a strong sense that wherever she is, she gets me now, and there’s no regrets or hard feelings, on either side.

And for me, knowing she’s finally with my dad again makes my heart happy.

But I keep wanting to text her. Or see if she liked a post or picture I put on social media.

On the other hand, my last times with her are etched in my memory in a way my last times with my dad were not. We had a great time together at my sister’s house before Christmas; we spent time together on Christmas Day, and I dropped some Stock’s pound cake off with her a couple days after Christmas. She shared a Halupki recipe with me over text a couple days later.

Her departure for me is a little like a phone left off the hook. If I didn’t see her with my own two eyes, I’d not believe it happened.

But it did. She’s a memory now.

A good one.



Tuesday, January 23, 2024

Game on

 No one can break me like my older kid.

Week two of University brings us to the conclusion that he is exactly where he needs to be right now—and he’s pissed off about it. He likes his classes, being surrounded once again by peers, teachers, taking the train…but he jams his heels in, stopping just short of admitting it, because that would make him wrong about not wanting to return to school—and by extension make us right.

Hence his anger. In his head, he’s wrong, and he hates being wrong.

Up until now I’ve been his best friend, and now I’ve become his worst enemy by pushing him forward. I yield the baton to hubby, who is a hell of a lot more clear-headed than I am. We will work together to help elder get back some of the skills he lost in COVD, but my role, by necessity, will be silent partner.

My younger guy is just doing him, taking classes, playing his music, planning and executing his radio show, and in so doing seems to have connected with my own head and heart; I can’t get through his playlists without tears at least once a show.

This is how he reckons with his own stuff.

It’s hard sometimes to see progress when emotions run high. Sometimes you just need a minute.

Thursday, December 28, 2023

Merry and Bright

Things didn’t shake out as planned, but that matters not.  The holidays have been mostly about resetting and recharging, spending time with our people, reflecting on things past and looking forward with hope to the future. The best presents could not be wrapped. As a family, we laughed about our Christmas of chocolate, socks, and underwear; we marked the calendar with dates of adventures, and shared lots of memories.

This week has been moments that transcend time; past and future are present—we’ve been here before, and we’ll certainly be back in some form again. We see the boys as they were—and to some extent, we can see where they are going. A lot of whether they get there is up to them. We’re running alongside, helping them balance as they pick up velocity, but it’s getting on time to let go.

That’s the hard part.

A month ago a big piece of the future wasn’t even on our radar; we have so many questions, doubts, fears…but sooner or later, we will need to let go. The stamina and strength aren’t what they were; holding on might mean slowing them down, and we can’t let that happen.

So this time will be spent collecting ourselves, charting next steps, but understanding that we plan…and God laughs.

Friday, December 22, 2023

Temple Owls Are Everywhere

I bought my first college swag in decades.  Took the boys (elder constantly reminding us it was ‘against his consent’) to Preview Day, and both, for the first time, glimpsed a bigger world than their current situation. One admissions person asked me “Why not now? Why not spring?” Referencing my guy not currently enrolled, resting on his Associates and laurels, not to mention the destroyed couch in the man cave.

Why not, indeed?

So, four hours on a rainy Sunday, I sat with one, then the other, while each filed his application.

Younger’s is pending.

Elder had an acceptance in 5 days. Turns out his application came in under the wire for spring.

If that wasn’t enough, they also awarded him a merit scholarship. That, we’re hoping, will prove to him he’s worthy to keep going. We have a lot to do before January 16. 

But he’s warming to the idea.

Ten years ago, I was told this, and many other things, would never happen.

There is nothing that makes me happier than watching him prove the naysayers wrong.

Sunday, October 29, 2023

“Are you happy?”

So the four of us were part of a family panel this weekend for a family advocacy training (that I completed myself 14 years ago). The boys were part of the panel last year, with dad and I offering clarification from the back of the room; because of that, we were invited to be a part of the panel this year. I wondered how much my guys understood the importance and impact of their presentation and was frankly irritated with them both for what I felt was their lack of seriousness in preparation.

They showed me up, but I get ahead of myself.

Their presentations ran like last year. Elder explained some of the changes over the past year, but assured his listeners he was looking for a competitive full time job.  I bit the inside of my mouth, thinking of how all his discretionary time and energy is expended. Hubby’s thoughtful insight reminded me of all the stuff I didn’t do while I was in the throes of fighting for, getting, and maintaining services and supports back in the day.

Self-care. It’s still a new concept to me.

Elder floored me with his assessments of where he saw himself in 5-10 years….with a full time job, hopefully married, hopefully starting a family “but, he added quickly, “in case none of that works out, I know I don’t want to be alone, so at least I have my parents and [younger brother].

That was like a throat punch. Time isn’t flowing as fast from him as it is his parents.

It was a good conversation between the families, among the parents.

One mom asked, “Are you happy? That’s one of the things that keeps me up at night.”

Me too, ma’am, me too.

I wasn’t prepared for both my guys leaning forward in their seats, eager to answer. I was less prepared for their answers.

“Yes, yes, absolutely yes.” 

I could feel her relief. And I felt my own.

Life’s not perfect, but I think we as parents can all agree that the one thing we wish for our kids is to be happy.

I will keep wishing for that.



Monday, October 23, 2023

Unchained

 Today was the best day I’ve had in a very long time.

Maybe it has something to do with last week being the best week I’ve had in a long while. Maybe because today was a beautiful day. Maybe because the weekend was a beautiful weekend.

Maybe it’s because I am finally at peace with the things I can’t fix, change, or control. And maybe, just maybe, I’m finally feeling good enough about myself to take chances.

Like yesterday I stood up in the back of a dragon boat for the first time, learning to steer. It didn’t go great, but I didn’t crash us or fall in, either.

I’m doing a story slam in two weeks. I’ve always wanted to try that.

Hubby and I had a night out on the town with another couple—and had a blast.

And, we’re making inroads into our next chapters with the boys.

There are a lot of great things happening.