Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Cardinal in the Window

This cheerful red bird appears to me at the most amazing times. I see cardinals everywhere, but I'm thinking of specific moments in time when I've hit my lowest ebb.

I'm thinking of the cardinal I saw on the roof in early 2005 when I hit bottom.

I'm thinking of the cardinal that alighted in the bushes outside my aunt's house, shortly before I discovered that she had died.

(I remember thinking then that the cardinal reminded me of my dad, showing up whenever I needed him most).

I wonder then if the cardinal landing in the window of our office yesterday in the midst of yet another meltdown was just serendipity or a sign to just keep me taped together for another day.

The cardinal sang, and didn't seem afraid of Nic. He retreated to a nearby bush when Nic got too loud. But he kept coming back to the window. And singing to me.

But I can't ignore how tired I am and how worn out this constant onslaught is making me. I'm feeling beaten. And I wonder if I am.

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