Thursday, December 22, 2016

Screaming into the Wind

Wow, where do I start?  My kids are growing up too fast, and this world is changing faster than I can keep up. Feeling overwhelmed, bullied, left behind. How much of any of these perception, and how much is actual?

I'm not a good person to ask. Years of fighting tooth and nail for the boys have left me scarred, scared, and with a case of PTSD that would shake a combat veteran. I realize I am coming to an end of many things, and I am in the process of making peace with as many things as I can make peace with. Took the boys to confession last night.  Made a gift for my husband that won't be ready until after Christmas (it's okay, something for him to look forward to)

My main goals since autism were to get the boys do adulthood as functioning citizens, not clients. We are most of the way there, age-wise, but their lives are open questions given all the variables from political, ecological, and societal perspectives.  I'm finding myself focused on 'next world' stuff. I want them both to have a relationship with God, as I do. I'm finding that to be my overwhelming priority, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

Why?  I'm not sure. All I know is that I am cycling from sad, to tired, to quiet despair. I am feeling my age. I am feeling my mortality. All the petty pains of day to day living are little more than distractions to the business at hand.

I pray a lot. I pray for us all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016


It's been a little while, hasn't it? It's been so long, that I'm not even sure where I left off.  (Pausing a moment to read back and reflect. WOW....)

Since that last post, the old job has come to an end and I've changed jobs twice.  I had planned at the end of the first one to stay home and get our lives in order, and three days into CEO at home I had my first email for a phone interview. Two months after that, I'm back in the fire.

However, I'm not here to talk about any of that, because it's not that important. What I want to talk about is some of the stuff we are struggling with. The kids are all right, but they could be doing better. In particular,  we're struggling with erasure.

My son ran an enhancement (mini course) and was the student Wing Bowl winner. He also has autism and the yearbook editor 'forgot' to include himeven after promises from the yearbook moderator that he'd be included for both his enhancement and the wing bowl. Yet, there are pictures of kids' family vacations and certain kids enjoying winter break. And these things clearly didn't happen as part of school activities.  Wing bowl was covered, featuring a hunky student and announcing the adult winner. Hmm.

Adding insult to injury, the ONE club he enjoyed and participated was left out of the yearbook. Yes, LGBT, ethnic, all clubs were included.....except for the one that features mentoring students with disabilities. 

As if they don't exist. 

Take this all another step. The guy in our backyard takes down a tree on our property. Because, you know, "You have a full plate." (I loved that tree. I am bitter.) I drive home from work to find a neighbor allowing her dog to do its business on my lawn. When I wrote her a note asking her to PLEASE keep her dog off my lawn, she scribbles me a nasty note--as if I am the person in the wrong for NOT letting HER animal do whatever it wants on my property. 

This is death from a thousand cuts. Because we are who we are, it's almost like everyone feels they can do whatever they want to us, because, we are somehow less.

If this is the way the world is going, I don't want to live in it.