Thursday, April 23, 2009

Spider Roll Envy

Gabriel is telling me to inspire him to dream big.

Don't I? Every day of his life?

He's my gift. Much of my life and the way I view it is affected directly by his presence. He is like a silent cat most of the time. Right now he is in the kitchen either grooving to Sail On Sailor or avoiding something that Nic is doing on his computer.

I need to think about a few things. Well, maybe talk about a few things right here, right now. Today was rough. Actually, I've been coming off a rough few months. It's good that work has faded down for the moment, because the school sitch for both boys are in play for right now.

So Nic was eating alone at lunch. DH wanted to storm the school. I wrote a few well placed emails. The upshot is that his regular education teacher figured out a way to get her class involved in socializing Nic. Really, her idea is good and Nic and the kids were very excited to put it into practice. And today was a success.

But what's sad to me is that Nic would rather be alone than try to talk to anyone. He doesn't WANT to be alone, but he will choose it, because it's easier.

Anything worth doing is not easy.

Then we started the evaluation process for Gabriel this am with the school psych. That was a different kind of painful. This is not the first IQ eval he's had. His processing is slow. He (predictably) had an easier time with the harder stuff. But it was so hard watching him NOT get what was expected of him at some points and KNOWING he was not getting it. The crushed look on his little face broke my heart.

My good friend K (whose DH is getting her spider roll tonight for dinner) reminded me that his getting what he doesn't get is a good thing--it will drive him to try harder.

You know what, my kids have to work twice as hard to get half as far as their peers. That drives me bugf*ck.

Anyway. Talking to the psych, I told her I was considering the big bus for both boys in the fall. It does not make me happy that I have gotten my boys accepted in every freaking corner of the universe BUT THE BLOCK THEY LIVE ON. That bus stop is the last freaking frontier.

She told me I need to suck it up. DH already told me he would put them on the bus. I love him for that.

I don't do well in Queen Bee Central. But I will suck it up for the sake of my kids.

Just have to add a few more lines about my life in narcissism central. Really been a little bizarre surrounded by "Enough about me, what do YOU think about me?" I am never going to be famous because I am just not self-centered enough to pull it off.

Or destructive. Or manipulative. Or wanting minions to do my bidding. Or wanting to twist innocent minds to my nefarious ends. (Do I sound bitter? I'm sorry, having been at the receiving end of narcissist bullsh*t, I am particularly sensitive to the sociopaths who try to bend me to their will--didn't work before, won't work now, good luck with it).

But these are the idiots I have to train my kids to be wary of--people who see them as prey, because they themselves are predator, and everyone else they see is prey. That's why I work so hard to take the targets off my kids' backs--I don't want to have to hurt anyone. But I will do the needful, as ever.

Momma bear. That's who I am to my cubs. And that's the way it has to be.

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