Without a Net

So I dropped Nic off at summer playground a little while ago. I did some serious back-and-forth with myself over whether this was a good idea. He said so—after all, he is too old for G’s school, he tells me. He wants to hang out with kids his own age.

Well, G’s school is more expensive, but at least I know he’s safe.

Not that he’s not safe, BUT, always the danger of meltdowns, and he’s not sure what the deal is, never having done this before. Hopefully, he will be paying attention and let me know what he needs at the end of today to make the rest of the week work.

My stomach was in knots when I left him. Because despite his camo shorts and basketball team tee-shirt, he was looking pretty damned autistic this am. It happens when he is nervous. He blends better when he’s at ease.

I will be on pins and needles until pick up. I will be praying I don’t get a phone call. I will be praying he finds a friend or two to hang out with.

I wonder what it’s like to never have to worry about these things. I wonder what I would have fretted over if it weren’t for autism. Would I be worrying about what other people think of my kids? Would my kids be the ones who would run interference for the kids who needed it?

On a slightly different note, G wanted to talk to me about death last night. Hubby took the kids to see UP (again) yesterday afternoon, and this has been kind of haunting G a lot lately, the whole idea of going away and never coming back. I have not yet had this conversation with Nic, and again, the contrast between them is interesting.

I told him as much as I could, as simply as I could. It’s one of many conversations we’ll have. He is wise beyond his years, my little one. Yeah, I know what his IQ scores say, but that’s not the only intelligence there is. His emotional wisdom has some so-called geniuses (who are emotional pygmies) beat—and I’ll take what he’s got any day of the week.

Actually, he’s probably going to need me more in some ways than Nic does. Nic has the foundation now—he’s going places.

I just found out that G’s school is closed. Maybe he’ll be going to camp with his brother this week after all.