It's been a number of years since I woke up in a cold sweat, fearful of the future and of everything else.
Today, I got to dial it back to zero, because there I was. Although the job goes fine, I had some feedback that made me sufficiently anxious; add that to two full-on meltdowns from Nic--or should I say two MORE--plus the usual money/bill/rest-of-my-life stuff had me staring at the cracks in the ceiling in the dark.
After about an hour of this, I said. "I leave this to you, God." I rose, dressed, and walked out in first light to lector, replacing some one at the last minute.
Once again, I am grateful for being in the right place at the right time. The readings spoke to my anxiety, the visiting brother gave a great homily, and I was invited out with Fr M and our visitor for breakfast. And as usual, we ran the conversation from seedlings to pine trees, and as usual, I was grateful to be included, and reminded of what's important.
They dropped me off, and I went inside to dress the boys and bring them to church. Nic followed about 60% of the mass again, and I introduced the boys to Br H at the end of the mass, then off for me and G to PREP.
I figured out how I need to run that room. And if anyone thinks they can do it better, they are welcome to do so. But it was a good class, the kids were well behaved, and we all had a good time.
I don't know why a lot of these people who volunteer have such a lousy attitude, though. Really, if you call yourself a Christian, let's act like one, shall we? Sheesh.
Came home, spent three hours clearing ivy, branches, weeds, and leaves away from the house. I am tired, but settled. And satisfied.
Nothing cures a soul of anxiety like good company, good friends, and hard work.