Balance

 Man, I struggle with this. 

Do I know what a life is without wild emotional fluctuation? Is it a factor of living a life with disabilities?  (Or different abilities?-- however you want to slice that particular pie--some days, I don't know how to do that, either.)

The hardest part about raising a family--I think-- is differentiation.  What might look good or bad to me might look the opposite to some one else.  I've tried my kids' whole lives to find places for them, because I found finding a place for myself so damn hard. My success here is spotty, at best. Track 11 years ago popped up on my Facebook timeline, where elder finished his first 400.  Oh man. That kid is not a sprinter. What he remembers best is the snacks, and his team at that time. He had a good team. While none of those relationships translated into lasting ones, they showed him kindness at a time when kindness to him was hard to come by. 

Younger in some ways has been trickier; he pretty much put up with whatever we've subjected him to, but when you come up hard against his disinclination, he will in no uncertain terms tell you where you can put whatever expectation you had of him. I struggle hard with the latest thing we're doing--we're almost done the thing, but oddly I am more done with it than he is. I see things one way, and he sees them another.  And my seeing things how I see them makes it hard for me to just see the thing.  He just does the thing, and then goes back to his regularly scheduled ponderings.

Suffice it to say, he has the best self-image of anyone in my house. He does not let how other people treat him affect how he sees himself. For the most part, anyway.

Meanwhile, I struggle with my emotions, because I see him on the outside looking in, and whether he wants to be included or not, I can't divine. Does he legit give zero fucks?  Or is he pretending for my benefit?  I can never tell. 

He slips sometimes. I saw a little of it last night. He let me know I got in his way. And that's fine--I told him he needs to tell me sometimes when I need to step back.  I want to fix all the things. I want to make his way easier. But, he has his own roadmap.  He will let me know if he needs direction. He always does. 

So on the way home, we rolled down the windows and listened for spring peepers.  He was just as excited as I was to hear them. 

So as ever we find grace in small spaces. In small moments.  A life is made in these spaces.