It's Been a Month

 Or a year, it's all of a piece...

All I have at the moment are fragments of this and shards of that. My younger kid is making phone calls and doing all kinds of self-advocacy on the regular and my older guy, while he's still a lousy roommate, is finally finished with all the onboarding paperwork for the new job and actively job shadowing. Early feedback is favorable. 

Younger guy is wrapping up all the things of his youth, whether he is consciously doing so or not.  Our conversation on the way to bowling this morning dealt mostly with his immediate future (immediate=rest of this calendar year). He's already dual enrolled at the community college; he'll walk; he'll take classes at said CC and Vo-tech, and hopefully by the time we get to September, he'll be driving himself. 

He was agreeable to that.

Today was the last regular day of bowling, and because he wasn't rolling off for a trophy (his team won last year, so he doesn't care), he rolled a better than usual series--no pressure goes a long way.  He smiled coming off the wood regardless of how he rolled; he high-fived and fist-bumped whenever he had a good roll. He was present in a way that is fairly unusual for him. 

On the way to his job afterward, I asked him what way he wanted me to drive (I already had a route in mind, but was amenable to however he wanted to go).  He chose the route I already had in my head "because it's prettier." (Which is why I had the route in mind).  We chatted about prom plans for next week, then he disappeared into his own head, scripting, and surfaced occasionally if I remembered this or that from some movie or other. I dropped him off at his job in a bright mood.

I'm in a pretty bright mood, too. I spent some time on the upper deck after work hours and had a great blue heron fly over me twice.  This is the first week of the new job, and it's a good fit.  We had fun at darts last night, and I had good aqua fit classes with my friend, and met a couple band moms for dinner earlier in the week. The coming month is already booked with all kinds of adventures.  It's a pretty good moment. 

Ima sit and enjoy it. 

Fitting (Stuff) In

 So a whole bunch of things:

Took G to meet one of his heroes in town; I hate driving into the city, but his euphoria (and the interaction plus cartoon) was more than worth it. 

Same went to get fitted for his tux for the upcoming prom.

Elder is moving forward. Discovered other possible routes he can take, and we'll be working those angles. He and I had some one on one time while younger and dad planted trees for the senior project.

And I discovered pileated woodpeckers in our local woods. Hubby and I went out to visit the nest a couple times yesterday.

Also?  New job, started today.  

Suddenly, there's a lot to do. And we're doing our best to get it all done. 

See you next time....

 Man these last times are hitting hard.

I totally get wanting to be done with stuff.  Anything my kids do that they don't like, they finish with "Well, I never have to do that again."  (And in all honesty, there's been a lot, represented in some form or other in this blog.)

Lately, the memories popping up on my timeline are hard for me to look at. G's final race for education waaaay back in elementary is as present to me in this moment as it was while it was happening.  His standing there waving goodbye as I headed back to my car, then him melting back in with the wave of kids just struck me that this was the first in a long list of goodbyes.

Except, it wasn't.  The lasts stretched long before that moment.  But that moment was the demarcation point.

I feel like every other parent comes to this point in life with sweet relief. With me, it's an appreciation of how I didn't know how good I had it, even in the midst of warring with folks to get and keep my guys included. And I know in some ways the battles ahead are going to be a lot harder.

At younger's last high school performance the other night, I found myself getting all choked up because the instructor had a thank you slide to the audience that began "See you next time...."

This is it for us. In more ways than one. 

I dropped my older guy off for his first day of job shadowing. He looks sharp in his sweater, slacks and sensible shoes. He expressed his nervousness--what if this isn't his thing?

I told him he won't know if he doesn't try, and that he knows the job in some ways better than anyone else. He is in a position to do real good, and effect real change. One person at a time. 

I watched him walk away. He's not the student anymore. 

He's the adult. 

So I say a quiet prayer.

And hope for the best. 

Spring has sprung

 I am grateful for all the signs of spring, from the flowering buds on trees to the night sounds of spring peepers.  Renewal, all signs of it, is GOOD.

So I was just finishing up the last blog when I had to go get younger for his appointment.  My family as a whole sounds incredibly good on paper, but when it comes to reality, we're a little disappointing. 

My guys are both masters at telling folks what they want to hear, then going and doing whatever they think should be done. This has gone in every possible direction, so I don't want to talk it down too much. When they succeed, it's a resounding slam dunk that the whole universe is going to hear.

This is also true when they crash and burn, but the upside to that is that they won't do that particular thing again. 

Anyway, we are sitting in younger's session, and he is waiting for me to talk over him. I am waiting for him to talk. We outline the plan for the next year or so. We talk a little bit about elder's flight path and how his flight path is going to look a little different. And then I mention elder's culminating project and note that G's is coming due soon. 

"Oh," he said. "I did my presentation today."

My jaw dropped. There are a few reasons for this. I was present for elder's, and I had thought I would be there for younger's. I just stare at him. He rolls his eyes theatrically. "MOM. It went fine."

I have no doubt that it did. But this is just another example of the divergence in their paths and a whole 'nother set of road maps and directions to adulthood I need to program into my internal GPS. He just *does* stuff, where I have to light a fire under his brother to do whatever thing. 

Figuring it all out. Mapping out the world. He will get there, wherever 'there' is.....

Ready to Launch?

 We appear to be moving forward.

A few notable things; elder is taking responsibility for his medical concerns. This is kinda huge, since this portion of adulting is daunting to him. He's accustomed to advocating for himself in the classroom and in the workplace; this next-level stuff for him is *real* adulting, thus intimidating. Nevertheless, I sat in the waiting room while he negotiated all his asks and made sure that the most important one (testing for the new job) was completed.

He didn't need me, but he knew I was there if he did. 

Worthy of mention was another scheduling snag that he handled effortlessly with minimal coaching from me ("This is a phone call, not an email."). Also worth noting is that the preferred job is giving him more hours; I think the impending new gig has raised his stock value.

And he starts job shadowing on Friday.

Younger guy is figuring out his what next. I think the conversation with his transition coordinator will involve her connections with the community college (where he is already dual enrolled) and trying his hand at some of the opportunities offered there. 

I just figured something out about elder; he is eligible now to do back-office work in both his part-time jobs, but he doesn't want to. The WHY I just figured out is because he does want to be people-facing. He understands that customer service is tough, so he is particular about where he wants to do it, but he does like people and wants the contact. Which is why I think the new gig will be so good for him, and I think it will help him figure out his next steps. Which might include doing what he's doing for a while, which is actually fine--I want both my kids to land in fulfilling places.  We can't save the world, but we can provide road maps, and maybe in so doing make our little corner of the world better. 

We can hope. 

Home Again

 It's been a week.

We did another state road trip to celebrate elder's employment win, and he had a list of places he wanted to see. As is ever our fashion, we figured out a way to do as many of the things as we could.  Station stops in included:

Dodge City, Harrisburg (met the owner after our meal)

State College

Greenwood Furnace

Whipple Dam

Belleville

Poe Valley

Poe Paddy

Bellefont

Walnut Springs

Bernel Road

Parker Dam

St. Mary's/Elk County (Elk sightings!)

Kinzua Bridge

Kinzua Dam

Allegheny State Forest

Corry

Titusville

Oil City

Beaver

Pittsburgh (and thereabouts)

Latrobe

Flight 93 Memorial

Red Lion

Honestly, I would have preferred to stay at home and get my house in order, but I think the trip was good for everyone.  My friends kept our birds while we were gone (they're hanging out on the floor in front of me right now). It's 4:10 and I don't know where the day went. 

A lot of thoughts:  someone asked hubby if we/the boys/maybe also me came from a facility. This over some confusion over my proffered Access cards.  I was steaming for a hot minute when the woman came over and offered us the difference and an updated receipt and an apology.

Lord, I am quick to go to hot on this. I've written about the whole concept of being put away before, and the idea that we are still here just rubs me the wrong way. In other news, I was on the radio and the subject of a couple pod casts--I've always been kinda out there with my dx, but I'm always mixed about how I feel with my out-there-ness. I wrote once about how out in the world we are US and only at home we have the label. Well, I guess the label follows us, whether we like it or not. 

We.  I think I am the one with the problem.

Elder was kind of salty about the fact we didn't hit everything on his list.  The scorekeeper.  At some point he is going to be doing his own travel and making his own arrangements. 

Younger was just happy to be out and eating out. 

It would have been nice if hubby could have wet a line, but maybe that's something we need to do on our own. 

We met quite a few decent people in our trek. We also saw a fair amount of hate in the form of road signs.  

The struggle to find equilibrium is real. 

Another Last

 Just got back home from indoor champs. 

This is the last one. The last bus ride, the last scramble to get equipment on and off the floor, the last hurrah.

The band was great, did their best show, and left nothing on the floor.  It was their "get on the bus" performance. Even though they didn't finish high in their group, they all knew they did their best. The instructors and the kids had a great time with the photo shoot in front of the MAPS banner--one of the moms took some pictures and shared them with me.  One of them included my son glaring at me from the floor during retreat. 

Earlier in this blog, he gave me a similar look as a cub scout sitting in a police cruiser.  If I had a dollar for every time he threw me shade, I could retire right now. 

He had a good time on the floor out there, though.  I can see it in the pictures, I can hear it in his voice as we talk.

But he's feeling a little nostalgic.

Like, the whole thing didn't suck, after all. 

I *hope* we can get to a place where he can enjoy things in the moment, and not in the rear-view mirror.

My Village

 My friends all 'know a guy."

Doesn't matter  what for--everybody "knows a guy" for whatever needs to get done. I'm dedicating this blog to all the guys--and gals--who have been there to hold my hand in front of the whole world or work quietly behind the scenes on my behalf.

It's a pretty long list, but here are a few.  All are heroes in every day people clothing.

--Elder's first day care director at The First Class in Piscataway, NJ

--Miss R, with whom I go back a good 20 years, who taught me everything I need to know about advocacy

--Miss F, G's first teacher and later trusted friend and contact for all things IEP

--Miss M, who loved younger so much she attended his early intervention IEP meetings and helped me get more much needed services for him

--My favorite IT person who was a fellow dad and was able to fix up whatever difficulties we were experiencing

I think I am going to make it my business to keep and ongoing record as people come to me.  The IT guy was random as I was handling a work thing, and it seems like at least 30 minutes out of every day is spent considering a kind soul who was with us all of a moment, or for a season, or for large chunks of our ride. It's easy to be bitter about things (and people) who didn't happen, but it takes concerted effort to walk in gratitude and peace. You see a lot of both in this blog, and I think I want to tilt to the light. As I've said before, I have more days behind me than in front of me, and I need to get this stuff right. 

My last line today for the people who realize my guys can do things--and let them do the thing without comment or fanfare.

Just like anyone else. 

Enter the Dragon(s)

 We're almost done the mountain of paperwork for elder; we are, as a matter of fact, down to the last form.  Part of me won't believe this is happening until he is installed, lanyard and all, where he is going to be.  I'm not thinking much beyond a couple months; taking it one day at a time, as we do all the things. 

Younger needs his own stuff; and I need to take some time to figure out what he needs--and he will need to help me, as I will help him. He is simpler, yet way more complicated.

We have a lot of conundrum under one roof. 

I'm kvelling though for a minute over elder and his accomplishments. He will walk next month in his graduation ceremony, and he earned a gold tassel and gold cord as part of his regalia--both things eluded me, so I am super psyched for him. I asked him if he wanted to be a student speaker, and he demurred. He wants to blend in, and I can't blame him. 

Part of me can't believe any of this is happening. And the pessimist in me is waiting for something to go sideways. 

On another note (getting to the title of this blog), I was accepted into the rookie program for the Schuykill Dragons. Yay. I think. At the very worst, it's a good opportunity to try something new and meet new people.

Elder is also a dragon. I kinda feel like he is coming into his own. He's even carrying himself differently.  Like I said before, this job situation might be a game changer. And I need to remind myself that at the very worst, it's experience he wouldn't have otherwise. 

So, when you factor younger into the equation (let's not forget he's a high school senior and that has its own measures of change and transition), we are as a family unit embarking on new chapters. If elder's experience has taught me anything at all, none of this is lasting.

They may be grown, but they will always be my children. 

We live in hope. 

Balance

 Man, I struggle with this. 

Do I know what a life is without wild emotional fluctuation? Is it a factor of living a life with disabilities?  (Or different abilities?-- however you want to slice that particular pie--some days, I don't know how to do that, either.)

The hardest part about raising a family--I think-- is differentiation.  What might look good or bad to me might look the opposite to some one else.  I've tried my kids' whole lives to find places for them, because I found finding a place for myself so damn hard. My success here is spotty, at best. Track 11 years ago popped up on my Facebook timeline, where elder finished his first 400.  Oh man. That kid is not a sprinter. What he remembers best is the snacks, and his team at that time. He had a good team. While none of those relationships translated into lasting ones, they showed him kindness at a time when kindness to him was hard to come by. 

Younger in some ways has been trickier; he pretty much put up with whatever we've subjected him to, but when you come up hard against his disinclination, he will in no uncertain terms tell you where you can put whatever expectation you had of him. I struggle hard with the latest thing we're doing--we're almost done the thing, but oddly I am more done with it than he is. I see things one way, and he sees them another.  And my seeing things how I see them makes it hard for me to just see the thing.  He just does the thing, and then goes back to his regularly scheduled ponderings.

Suffice it to say, he has the best self-image of anyone in my house. He does not let how other people treat him affect how he sees himself. For the most part, anyway.

Meanwhile, I struggle with my emotions, because I see him on the outside looking in, and whether he wants to be included or not, I can't divine. Does he legit give zero fucks?  Or is he pretending for my benefit?  I can never tell. 

He slips sometimes. I saw a little of it last night. He let me know I got in his way. And that's fine--I told him he needs to tell me sometimes when I need to step back.  I want to fix all the things. I want to make his way easier. But, he has his own roadmap.  He will let me know if he needs direction. He always does. 

So on the way home, we rolled down the windows and listened for spring peepers.  He was just as excited as I was to hear them. 

So as ever we find grace in small spaces. In small moments.  A life is made in these spaces.