Cloud

 So I woke up yesterday at 4:30 am in the deepest darkest hole I've been in since about 2005.

It was the morning of younger's IEP meeting. Also of the panel that elder was asked to join at the last minute.

Down there in the pit with me was all the unspoken accusations, that I didn't do enough for either kid, that I sold them both short and down the river, that I'm not doing anything to help my partner, that I'm no use to anyone at all, really, so why bother?

Fortunately, he woke up right about then and put all that to bed.

But that didn't stop me from dreaming that someone walked away with my mom bag and everything in it (in short, my whole life.  I was chasing after it when I woke up). The whole chasing thing got me out of bed to make sure my bag was where I left it (it was).

But I had other hoops to jump through. Things went a little sideways job-wise and all the static from the night before magnified what would otherwise have been just a nuisance and nothing worth trifling about. Come to think of it, I have had a whole lot of that this week--outsized reactions to minimal bumps.

Trauma will do that to you.  Someone drew a cartoon that aptly describes the thing.

So, yeah. That.

The meeting went fine; younger has his way forward and needs to keep doing his thing. We have a teachable moment with his job, W-2s and all that good stuff that we set to have tomorrow. Elder did his panel, and that went fine. His conversations with his transition coordinator could have gone better this morning. I went down to investigate.

The usual. The anxiety.  The disability. He's freaking disabled, but we can't get the system to see that.  It's almost as funny as having to reapply for benefits every year to prove both guys have autism--I mean, it's not like the autism goes away, but here we are, year after year, proving the proven,

I went down and vented my spleen...again...still...and I saw him tear up. And he apologized.  

And went right back to what he was doing. 

So that might be part of my black hole. For a hot minute it looked like he might lurch forward.  But, he slid back, making excuses, I guess excuses on the face of it, but maybe there's more to it than that. (Isn't there always).

Hubby and I are at capacity.  Not sure what's left for either of us to do.