(Un)Masking

 NOT a COVD post.

Anyone familiar with autism is familiar with the term 'masking.'  Healthline here has a good summary.

Healthline says in a nutshell, "Masking is a complex and costly survival strategy for autistic people. It generally involves intentionally learning neurotypical behaviors and mimicking them in social situations."

Not for nothing, I had to figure out early how to cover my perceived crazy. I didn't have any language for any of this growing up; all I knew was that I was different and had to figure out a way to "not".

Not be different. 

It's been somewhat torturous watching elder, because he is me, in a lot of ways. The main difference between us is that he is out there with his differences, a brave sort of crazy. People who knew me from high school who know me now say I was a lot more like younger (we're twins now, so I wonder how much conflation of looks with personality there is). Younger is my stealth guy.  With his long hair and tie-dye shirts and jeans, he looks like any other kid his age. He walks around with his hood up if he's wearing a hoodie.

He has learned how to blend.

Elder, not so much.

And I'm a weird hybrid. In latter days, I accept me and if I am having an autistic day, I have my day and don't lose much sleep over it. But, it's taken me decades to get to this point.

My husband has called me various things, but iconoclast is the word he uses most.  I just looked up the definition and think it's the funniest juxtaposition of ideas this week. It's not like I set out to be the destroyer of norms or anything that interesting; if anything, I've been spending my whole life trying to shut off the screaming aura that seems to surround me and draw fire from folks who don't appreciate differences of any kind. 

I've spent a lifetime of learning the rules so I can beat everyone at the game. 

Lately, my life seems to have been a series of inflection points where I made quantum jumps in understanding how "normal" people function, but often those jumps came at a high premium; sometimes relationships fell, and other times my mental health faltered. I remember thinking that I'd be safe in an academic career until I realized academia was full of weirdos like me and its own kind of shark tank.  After a few false starts, I found myself in Corporate America with a lot more to learn about the millions of ways other people could be treacherous beings.

I remember evading a trap from a sharp/k by talking about myself in the third person. Technically, I didn't lie.  And it bought me enough time to plan an exit strategy and leave under the cover of darkness.

And there were other adventures and dangers, and each and every one was a learning experience, which I carefully filed away and stored for future reference. I can run a decision tree based on all my previous experiences faster than a supercomputer AND have people think I have my shit together. 

The truth is, it's all come at a cost. I've been careful to unmask around the boys, especially when anxiety is getting the better of me. They need to see that I understand what they are going through, that I live it, that I get it. 

I'm giving myself permission to unmask more regularly. I have more days behind me than in front of me, and I want to get life right in the time I have left. 

So.  I'll mask up when I have to. 

I'm getting a little more discriminating about what requires it.