Clearing out

I am trying to be okay. 

Lately, it's a lot of work. 

I keep wanting to go upstairs and check on the bird (I can't even call him his name, now he's the bird), and I keep remembering he's not there. On Saturday, I cleaned his cage and stowed it down the basement. And began the job of cleaning out the basement. 

Why?  Because I can and because it's been bothering me for years. I did the same to the attic a few years ago for the same reason. I bagged 7 contractors bags and took them to Green Drop. I have six more bags started. I'm thinking I will fill those this week, plus some boxes, not to mention recycling and trash. 

If we all died tomorrow, all this stuff would go into a dumpster, anyway. 

I wonder what I could have done differently to keep the bird here. I wonder if he was sick, since he was acting strangely before he flew off.  Or, was he just sick of my boys trying to make him scold?  Or was he tired of the four of us being around constantly?

I think about when we got him back in May, and I wonder if I deserved to get him back at all.

I wonder if I should own another bird. Clearly, I don't know what I'm doing. 

And then there's the matter of younger and a dog--will I mess that up, too?

So tired.