Hauling my broken self along

 So, a couple more things happened the last little while....

Had a job interview I utterly slayed. Completely.  Even if I don't get it, I don't care.  I rocked the interview. And everyone on the call knows I did.

Younger had his senior recognition....day.  Our stadium has reopened post Ida, but daylight use only, so senior recognition night turned into day. It's ok. He looks utterly badass on his banner. 

Elder is finally finding his groove.  COVD set him back, but two of his three jobs are back online. He graduates from community college this December. We're still figuring out next steps. We'll get there. Maybe when he's 30. Or 40.

The FOO remains on hiatus. I removed Facebook from my phone because I just need to NOT right now. If the narrative is that I'm sick, let's just leave it there. I know I've not been this well in like, my whole life. Like, ever. Not that I don't mourn--I do. Daily. Sometimes hourly.  But I need to choose wellness because my kids depend on it. But old habits die hard.

And....there's always the drive to get the last word.  I see one keep driving home how wonderful her child is and there's an itemized list. I think I've seen this list before, and it turns out, that list was published a week earlier. You know, just in case anyone missed it. I try my best to suppress my urges to blare from the mountaintops all the hardships my kids have faced, but I know no one cares, and I know what they've been living, and so does God, so that's enough for me. 

And I alternate between heady elation and absolute despair. I see elder's peers  speeding past him into their futures. I see younger's fearless badassery and wish his lot in life were better. But I see the two of them with their heads together, and I know they have something I never had growing up--they have each other. They have each other's backs. They are fiercely loyal to one another.  This was something hubby and I built without meaning to, but I'm glad we did. 

They have each other. 

At least we did that much. 

Not Invited

 Had another moment just now; texting a former co-worker, finding out a bunch of them are going to hang out and I wasn't invited.

Context:  just had a job interview I nailed. If I don't get the job, I wasn't meant to. Signed off feeling GOOD. One with the universe and all that. This past week and change was filled with chats and texts with some of my former coworkers who want me to come back and in general, I felt loved.

And elder and I gave a guest lecture in Reading earlier in the week; we had a great day together, topped with younger getting in the car from school, and the two of them chatting, elder asking younger to do character voices (younger could have a future as voice talent). I pulled into  the parking lot where we had appointments, and watched them walk off together, heads close, backpacks on opposing shoulders, bosom buddies in conspiritual conversation.

That gave me pause. I waited a lifetime for each of them to have that ONE GOOD FRIEND, and they had that all along. 

They have D, the friend they share, who fits into their schema.  There is no third wheel. 

Honestly? (looping back to the drinks) I think it hurt more not to be asked than anything. I am choosy about who I want to drink with, anyway, let alone spend hours in conversation with. I can count on one hand how many people outside of my household I am even remotely interested in doing that with.

Still. It's all about being asked.

But, rather than give that power over me, I'll finish reading the memoir that Nic was gifted. The Secret Apartment by Tom Garvey. It's really good. Check it out. 

Sorting out all the things

 "Sometimes I want to break you/

And bring you to your knees...."

A line from a song that my first serious boyfriend referred to as our song.  I called him on that line.  He laughingly dismissed me.

And then I dismissed him.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Lucky in that I prefer to be alone and satisfied with my own company than to be with an abuser.

Sooooo many layers to that statement.....

Your relationships early on influence the way they will go forward. Once I rued the fact that I wasn't, like one sibling, a collector--people friends with literally a life time.  My friendships generally have a finite lifespan, partly because I lose patience with people and partly because if you hurt me, you are dead to me.

It's not a perfect science, but I'm not, either.

I'm okay to be alone in a crowd.  If I don't have anyone to talk to, I enjoy people watching.  Sometimes I will insert myself, and more often, I won't.

And sometimes getting in a word edgewise is too much work.

Ten years ago today I did something that influenced my  current professional life for the better.  I stepped into a role left void and it turned out, I was most excellently suited for it.

I'm thinking that from a career standpoint, perhaps I am a collector of sorts. I do have my peeps going back a while now, whose company I enjoy and seek out. 

I will never be an SVP anywhere, but I don't care. I like my little backwater. I like the life I created for myself and my boys. Now the next big step will be to help them both build a life they themselves will be happy to inhabit. 

Aftermath

 So we live now in a federal disaster area. Elder and I accidentally ended up on a road heavy hit and were gobsmacked by the damage.  As a community, we are traumatized, and I can't begin to imagine the depth and breadth of the trauma of those living in the wake. It's wrenching.  

Cleanup operations continue. Those who can are pitching in. It's a lot, but it's getting cleaned up.

But still. This. Is mind-blowing.  And it won't be the last. It's a lot more humid these days. The world is indeed heating up at a hell of a clip.

Those of a biblical mind will see things here. It kinda does feel like the end of the world.

Well, &*#$

 So, the last 24 hours has been.....something.

My younger guy had his last first day of school.

Then stuff got canceled because weather.

Things escalated quickly.

I had planned to meet my work people in town for dinner.  All the sudden, I had meetings crowd my last 2 hours of my work day, guaranteeing that I was ass in chair until 5 pm.

Things I supposed work out the way they do for a reason. The boys tried to shoo me out, but I felt strongly that I needed to be close to home. I felt a little wimpy bailing on my peeps, but at the same time, the feeling was strong.

Less than a half hour later, we were, the four of us, in the basement.  Power left about 20 minutes in. Elder's anxiety amped up.  Dad tried to tend his newts while fielding work calls with his headlamp on. We ventured upstairs about 45 minutes later, and the kids immediately started demanding what's for dinner. 

Uuuuuuh.  Hm. We can't cook. We can't open the fridge or freezer. And everyone is in the same boat. Or would be. Foolishly, we all got into the SUV and took off in the pouring rain. 

By now other alarms were going off.  We figured out a way to a Wawa (fortunately everywhere) and grabbed dinner on the go. We made our way back home, only to find that the way we came was blocked by a tree that had fallen and splintered in the street.

Dad and I both did the calculus that we could have, at any time, been under it. 

We spoke nothing of it. 

After dinner, G, dad and I played scrabble by flashlight, then called it an early bed time.

What we didn't know until later was that tornados ripped up quite a bit of our town, and what didn't get ripped up got flooded.

I wanna cry.

I've never lived anything like this. Until today.

On the Fly

 I need a minute.

All the things going on in the world is a bit much. The political stuff on its own is more than enough, but the fact that it's raining in Greenland and Antartica (now in winter FGS) has me a little freaked.  

Elder said to me the other day, "it sucks that the world is going to end in my lifetime." 

He showed up in my room as I was having a lie-in under the weighted blanket. I guess he figured it was a good time to let me know what was on his mind. 

We ended up talking about all kinds of things, mostly me explaining the ramifications of all the things happening in the world right now. And he's paying attention, because he had plenty of his own input.

Other stuff:  this and the negative committee in my head kept me up the better part of the night the other night. The best output of that was that I had a few things dispute the negative committee over the course of yesterday and some readjusting I can do because of that to help my family.

Other stuff:  dinner with hubby's work folks on Saturday was fun. We had arranged to meet up in Lambertville, and ended up walking across the bridge to New Hope for dinner instead. Beautiful night to eat outdoors and connect with folks. 

Entering the meteorological season called band. Younger is on mallets and rocking his instrument. Band director asked the section leader whether he had sold younger short (he did) (he has plenty of company). He sold his first program ad yesterday, and is stopping in our local pizzeria to see if he can sell another.  I'll buy an ad for the family (why not, younger's last year in band. I'll download and save it for him)

It's younger's last year. He's a senior. 

How the hell did that happen?

(The same way I woke up this year and everyone around me had gotten old....including me.....)

Hitting Pause

 I think I need a moment to rethink a few things.

My priorities have a weird way of getting upended and reshuffled.  And more often than not, my life falls somewhat lopsided, because I appropriate the wrong amount of importance to whatever I have on my proverbial plate.

It's easy enough to do, right?  Urgent is urgent, and whatever makes the most noise gets the most juice. Squeaky wheel and all that.

Except.....when the universe reminds of you of your place, wherever and whatever that may look like. Sometimes egos are bruised, but if that's all that hurts, you're pretty damned lucky. It's time to see beyond that and what is important, as opposed to urgent.

I hate the phone, and I hate phone calls. It bugs me not to be able to see the other person. But today I returned a call that not only went really, really well, it also has me thinking of next steps and other possibilities.

Reminders not to let my world shrink to the size of work

Reminders that the most important people in my life are the ones I live with, and they would have a tougher time without me than anyone else. 

Reminders that I have a whole tribe of people who think I am awesome. 

Whatever comes next, I think I can handle it.