Reeling in the Years

 I'm the spontaneous one, mostly because if I think too long on anything, I would do nothing.

Reading the paper yesterday morning, I discovered one of hubby's favorite bands was playing at a venue in town. I promptly downloaded an app and got tickets for last night's show. I legit didn't realize that the world would be ending AND we'd be driving through Temple's campus right before a basketball game.

Needless to say, it took a lot longer to get to the venue than anticipated. We won't speak of the parking other than to say we bookmarked the place we found for next time. 

(a whole flock of starlings did a fly by my bedroom window just now--so close and so many I could hear wingbeats through the closed window)

We cursed, splashed, and fought the wind (and lost an umbrella) to the venue, masked up, and went in. We were in time for the opening act, same as last year, and I closed my eyes and listened while people continued to stream in (late, because parking, weather, and Temple basketball). We sought food when the lights went up, forfeiting our dinner ahead of the concert to Basketball traffic. Fortunately, there were cheesesteak eggrolls to have with my lager.  They were the best things ever--no sauce like hunger, as the saying goes.

We head back to our seats to find a portly gentleman occupying one of them. He was quite put out that we showed up.  His friends around us put on quite a show, which led us to thinking that one of the gifts of age and COVD is that what once was an interruption or inconvenience is now part of the entertainment. 

Steely Dan took the stage with an uneventful opening number. Kid Charlemagne, my husband's favorite, was up next, just in time for some seat drama right in front of us.  Last time we saw Steely Dan two years ago, a fight broke out a seat or two over during the same number.

He laughed. What else could you do?

Gaucho came out the year I turned 13, and the music was everywhere. I was just 'learning' music at that time, and Gaucho was a big part of my education. 

I say this now because I came by my fandom here honestly; the music was one of my first discretionary tracks of my life. And as such, I can't hear the music without going to other times; randomly, I see my husband in my head when we first started dating (I joke that it wasn't love at first sight--it took about a half dozen times to get there), and the memory caught me by surprise. There were others, but this one sticks with me. And it turns out, as with all things, there was a reason.

I'm sitting here now in my pjs, coffee next to me, listening to birds, seeing blue skies outside, and taking in the whole of my last few weeks, and our last few decades. A insisted on taking younger bowling this am, and in general has been nudging in on what had been 'my' territory--time with the boys.  And only in sitting here now that I realize that this is now 'his' time.  He recognizes things in both boys, consciously or not, that he saw/sees in himself, and he is infinitely better equipped than I am to handle some of the challenges we are facing at the moment. 

As per usual, I'm standing too close to see clearly; A sees the bigger picture.

It's past time to let him lead.  And it's my turn to take notes.

We've Just hit 5 PM here

 Opened a St Dymphna from my favorite brewery.  My go to when every thing else seems in doubt.

Not a bad day. Had a good conversation about potential opportunities and had a carrot waved my way in my current sitch.  I'm not thinking too hard on any of it, but had some good conversations nevertheless.

Workwise, not a bad day, but I seldom have those.  It's everything else.

I'm grateful things aren't worse; I'm not sure how I would fare.  It could be that the worst things already happened, but I think that view is at best optimistic.

Listening to the wind.  The skies are angry. Younger is downstairs processing something. His brother is hiding out in the mancave. I'm re-thinking every time I open my mouth.

How do you give hope to someone who has none?

How can you go forward?

I don't know how to help.  Best to keep quiet until I figure it out.

Aligning the Planets

 Good session with R; got a lot of good ideas and thoughts to plan, roadmap and do all the things.  Need to bounce out and do a doctor appointment about the sore throat that wouldn't go away in about an hour and a half.  I am watching and hoping that a certain person stops commenting on a certain piece so I can get out of here in time. 

Still unbraiding my own trauma from elder's and that's a thing. Had a few thoughts on how to go forward with that. I need a couple approvals from others, so it might go, it might not.

Younger is fine. He's singing to himself, thus in a good mood. 

There's a lot of my own stuff I need to get past in order to help my guys move forward. Younger is in a good place.  He likes himself. The power of self cannot be denied. Meanwhile, my other one is traumatized by years of bullying, ridicule and humiliation. This is what society does to those who do not conform. And if it wasn't public school, it would have been other places. Although all things being equal, those oases we found often existed outside of our township. It's no accident that elder's employers (and younger's for that matter) don't live here. 

I lived my own version of this.  I'm healing from it. Now I have to help mine navigate theirs.

I won't lie. It hurts. 

Trauma

 So it goes.  I'm finally straightening myself out after decades of trying to vanish or otherwise make myself as small or take up as little space as possible. I've spent a life time trying to make myself invisible, except that someone like me doesn't have that capacity (and yeah, I just figured that out).

It seems FOO realizes what I'm up to and doesn't know how to deal with it. Predictably, heads are going into the sand if not up asses, but neither of these things is my problem. I have bigger issues, like dragging elder kicking and screaming into adulthood and making sure younger is keeping up with his studies.  Although all things being equal, younger has second honors despite his challenging course load.

I need to reconsider what next year will look like for him. He and I need a sit down. 

Part of elder's problem is trauma, and another part autism, and another part the insanity COVD has wreaked on his life that up until 18 months ago was going full steam ahead. Everything screeched to a halt and began to slide backwards. I'm not sure we're done the backslide, yet. 

Meanwhile, younger, always in elder's shade, is growing in his own right and creating his own shade.  Some of which he throws at random. I'm including both kids in my conversations about my own hard work of making myself whole. This means throwing light into a lot of dark and dirty corners. And now that they are both adults, they can make their own minds up about what to do with what I share. 

There's a lot I don't share. I don't think they can handle it. 

There's a lot I talk to R about. I'll have more things to share with him this week. I spend a lot of time sitting with grief. This is necessary; I ignored her for too long, and at my peril. Attention must be paid if I am ever going to heal. 

But this also means putting people on ignore. Also necessary and part of the healing process. I don't know that there will ever be a time I can re-engage. I'm thinking never sounds okay. And I know how sad that sounds. But everything now is measured by what I can handle. I've been strong a long time, which is a trauma response. Allowing myself to crumble and break is a careful dance of timing.  In keeping myself whole in the face of other people's sledgehammers, I've managed to wall up all kinds of crap. I need to break so I can let it all out. 

My kids need me whole. And I need to raze myself to the ground so I can rebuild. 

It's not too late. I've been working on this a long time. But I'm finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. 

Majority

 I now have two kids over the age of 18. Two adult children.

I've been sitting with this a little while. It feels like just last week I could contain them both on my lap. Physically, either of them could pick me up now. But since we have the extra stuff, it's not like I can throw up my hands and say "Yay!" if for no other reason that I can't die anytime soon. 

So I'm doing all the health stuff, physicals, tests that need doing, looking into a sore throat that's persisted for three weeks, trying to figure out who I still need to call to schedule something with. I'm keeping a list, so over the next few days, I hope to knock it all out.

A friend passed this past week, another warrior mom who devoted her life to making things better for other people. It's no accident that my last memory of her was up at a place my family loved, talking for hours in the med shed. She didn't chase me out, sensing probably that I needed to unload with someone who gets it. I don't even remember what we talked about, except it was an easy conversation, and there were lots of spaces for silence, and I was allowed to just be there. And that in it of itself was a great comfort. 

Just had a half waking dream where I was spending time with her--it could have simply been a sun-drenched memory, or perhaps I was talking to her. I don't know. All I know is that she leaves behind a lot of people who are going to miss her. 

Kathy Baas, I remember you.

Hauling my broken self along

 So, a couple more things happened the last little while....

Had a job interview I utterly slayed. Completely.  Even if I don't get it, I don't care.  I rocked the interview. And everyone on the call knows I did.

Younger had his senior recognition....day.  Our stadium has reopened post Ida, but daylight use only, so senior recognition night turned into day. It's ok. He looks utterly badass on his banner. 

Elder is finally finding his groove.  COVD set him back, but two of his three jobs are back online. He graduates from community college this December. We're still figuring out next steps. We'll get there. Maybe when he's 30. Or 40.

The FOO remains on hiatus. I removed Facebook from my phone because I just need to NOT right now. If the narrative is that I'm sick, let's just leave it there. I know I've not been this well in like, my whole life. Like, ever. Not that I don't mourn--I do. Daily. Sometimes hourly.  But I need to choose wellness because my kids depend on it. But old habits die hard.

And....there's always the drive to get the last word.  I see one keep driving home how wonderful her child is and there's an itemized list. I think I've seen this list before, and it turns out, that list was published a week earlier. You know, just in case anyone missed it. I try my best to suppress my urges to blare from the mountaintops all the hardships my kids have faced, but I know no one cares, and I know what they've been living, and so does God, so that's enough for me. 

And I alternate between heady elation and absolute despair. I see elder's peers  speeding past him into their futures. I see younger's fearless badassery and wish his lot in life were better. But I see the two of them with their heads together, and I know they have something I never had growing up--they have each other. They have each other's backs. They are fiercely loyal to one another.  This was something hubby and I built without meaning to, but I'm glad we did. 

They have each other. 

At least we did that much. 

Not Invited

 Had another moment just now; texting a former co-worker, finding out a bunch of them are going to hang out and I wasn't invited.

Context:  just had a job interview I nailed. If I don't get the job, I wasn't meant to. Signed off feeling GOOD. One with the universe and all that. This past week and change was filled with chats and texts with some of my former coworkers who want me to come back and in general, I felt loved.

And elder and I gave a guest lecture in Reading earlier in the week; we had a great day together, topped with younger getting in the car from school, and the two of them chatting, elder asking younger to do character voices (younger could have a future as voice talent). I pulled into  the parking lot where we had appointments, and watched them walk off together, heads close, backpacks on opposing shoulders, bosom buddies in conspiritual conversation.

That gave me pause. I waited a lifetime for each of them to have that ONE GOOD FRIEND, and they had that all along. 

They have D, the friend they share, who fits into their schema.  There is no third wheel. 

Honestly? (looping back to the drinks) I think it hurt more not to be asked than anything. I am choosy about who I want to drink with, anyway, let alone spend hours in conversation with. I can count on one hand how many people outside of my household I am even remotely interested in doing that with.

Still. It's all about being asked.

But, rather than give that power over me, I'll finish reading the memoir that Nic was gifted. The Secret Apartment by Tom Garvey. It's really good. Check it out.