Clearing away the debris

 A lot of the harder work is done, unbraiding perception from reality.  And prying myself out of that rut exposes all the rot underneath to clear out. 

The rot=all my anxieties, insecurities, prejudices that were all predicated upon my adhering to someone else's narrative.  Two years and change ago, I (knowingly) stepped into a situation that I thought would expose me for what I am...or who I thought I was.  I knew the outcome would not be good. But I knew the outcome was important enough to take the risk in the first place.

What actually happened is that I didn't change, but my perception of who I was did. And subsequent events threw a lot of light in a lot of dark and dirty corners. And it meant I needed to strip myself out of a few different opposing narratives to resolve my own. 

I think the hardest lesson for me to learn is that I am always going to be the bad guy in some one else's story, regardless of whether or not I earned or deserved it.  Who wants to be anybody's bad guy? I think once you let go of that, and resolve in your own head that what other people think of you isn't any of your business, it's a lot easier to let go and go about the business of doing what God put you here for. 

But old habits are hard to break. Despite my faith in my own abilities, I always seem to diminish my capacity by saying "It may sound stupid, but..." or "It really wasn't that big a deal..." or "No problem." I spent a lot of time and energy minimizing my space, trying to be invisible, and otherwise hiding.  And every freaking time, God yanks me into the light and says, "No. You are doing this where people can see you." Ugh. I doth not protest too much; the only light I like to be in is the sunlight outside. 

But the glory of God in me cannot shine forth in the shadows. He knows that. I'm finally figuring that out. 

This doesn't mean I am giving myself leave to be an asshole. But it does mean that I will not be silent. I will speak my truth even if my voice shakes. I will be heard. I will be understood. 

And this assumes that people will mishear and misunderstand me. 

I can live with that.