Thanksgiving Thoughts

 The thought I had as I dropped elder off for his weekly (socially distanced) bingo outing was "Thank God things aren't worse."

"That's a weird thing to be thankful for," was the thought that chased the former as I turned out onto 611.

So I sat with that while I drove. This....was not the life I imagined for myself when I was young. I imagined a family, I imagined staying home and being a full time mom, but there's no way I could have planned for the way it all played out. 

Autism looms large here, but it's not the only thing. Mental health and all the hard wiring hubby and I came with and discovered in middle age factors in here. How our hard wiring replicated in our kids factors here too. 

Not that we have any control over any of the above, but when you throw in the wild card of OTHER PEOPLE, you can be well and truly screwed if you aren't lucky enough to find yours in the course of life events.

As a child, I was always looking outward beyond our block, beyond our neighborhood. My sister laid claim to all the girls around our ages, and the fact that we were 21 months apart, and she was arguably more normal than me meant that there was no room for me in any of these relationships.

So as soon as I was allowed across the street, I crossed it. Walked around blocks and blocks in our neighborhood. If I wasn't hanging out on the front steps with the old people up the street, I was wandering looking for someone who might want to be my friend. 

I looked for a long time. I clung to people who were kind to me as if my life depended on it.(in retrospect, I feel sorry for them) I put up with a lot of abuse because I was made to feel I deserved whatever I got. 

Finally, it occurred to me I'd rather be alone than be miserable in the company of people that didn't want me around, anyway. 

I figured that out, and then suddenly, I started seeing my people. Some of those people stuck around for a reason or a season; I am blessed to have a number of people who have stuck around despite autism, despite mental health struggles, despite waxing and waning fortunes.

Coming into the autism life, I didn't know what life would hold for either son. Make no mistake: we are struggling in this time of COVD--elder lost a lot the last 8 months.  We're hoping to get his health back.  Younger would be just as happy if he never had to people again. We didn't expect either kid to get as far as either of them have come. And we don't stop here. We keep going. 

I am thankful for all the ground we've covered. And all the people who helped us cover it. 

Raising a glass to the next 1000 miles. Hoping for brighter days.