Take a Giant Step

 It's been a week. I'm so grateful for my peeps.

For the longest time I had one friend outside hubby who I confided literally everything in. I sensed her pulling away because one crucial matter over which I had been struggling a long time was one that she could simply not relate to. 

I guess I have been in a years-long process figuring out the solve for this while life itself has been going along and providing solutions at the ready for the moment I came to this week.  Seeing as I can be torturously slow on the uptake and that penny can take FOREVER to drop, it was kind of amazing that my solve came during younger's goal update last night.

He and I have more in common than I think at first blush. I always think of him as his dad's kid, from looks to general demeanor. I've discovered that he has a deep love for the arcane and can wax poetic for hours at a time about some random fact he stumbled upon by way of a video or something he heard over NPR (which is on all day, every day, except for those days I can no longer stand the news and switch off to the Original Cast Recording of Hamilton. But anyway.)

One of his goals was to find more common ground in casual conversation (wish I had this as a teenager), and right then and there I had my solve for my problem--the WHO I needed to have a conversation with. 

A year ago about this time we headed to NYC to meet up with virtual strangers to spend a weekend. The son is a good friend to both my boys, and his mom was a wild card.  I knew her from when my boys began league bowling almost a decade ago and wasn't sure if she remembered me, since I didn't think she liked me. 

Anyway. We got on like a house on fire. We took to texting and calling, not regularly, but certainly more often than I text or call anyone else.  She became family because she got our lives, and we were never any less because of who we were.

So, she was the person I called last night. 

It was the right call. 

She has a unique perspective that my other near and dears don't have.  But I am understanding now that my near and dears all dovetail nicely in my life, the way I must in theirs.

Not showing these cards. The only important thing to note is that my boys had visceral negative reactions, and M pointed out that They Know. 

At one point yesterday, I had burst into tears, cried it out, recovered, and went in to talk to elder, who was doing his school work. He looked up and asked me what was wrong. This is the kid who shares my wiring and always knows when I am struggling to keep it together. Well, that did it. There I was, crying on his shoulder for a hot minute until he became impatient and pulled away. I asked him if he thought I was overreacting.

"Yes and no."

"Explain"

"Well, yes because I'm fine, and you worry too much. And no because," he paused, shrugged and shook his head. "You are sensitive, and that's okay."  Then he went back to his books. 

I went back to work, but not before texting M and asking her for an audience. 

This all ties into my previous post. There's so much to unpack, but in the end. I've decided to leave it packed and in the rear view mirror. My boys have spoken their piece and counted to three. My life is in the here and now. 

And I have work to do.