Rein it all in

 So the last little while with younger has been awesome. I'm glad he's having a decent senior year. We're discovering that, among other things, he loves live theater. We took him to see Mandy Patinkin for his birthday two years ago (he brought a friend and they both loved it), and he was absolutely enthralled with Hamilton.

He's hooked. I see a trip to Broadway in his future. Or two. 

Elder will literally make me insane in the meantime. Weight is an unprecedented problem--unprecedented to the point where I need to take drastic action. Inaction means horrible consequences, not now, not next week, but at a time where he will beg me to fix all the things wrong with him and I will not be able to do a damn thing. 

Agency is a funny thing. I'm a little appalled at the choices, but assuming good choices means assuming all systems nominal, and....they are not. Because COVD. Because everyone's mental health took a hit, but the hit was harder here than with younger (who could literally give zero fucks, but that's just because he's him). I wanted to haul elder out of bed and scream at him this morning. Until, that is, I went into his room and saw him wrapped head to toe in his bedsheets, head tucked under pillow, partway in pillowcase.

My heart broke (again), and I tossed his comforter over his sleeping form and left the room. 

I listened to the birds, had my coffee and did the crossword puzzle. I willed myself to sit down and calm down. My fury, horror, shock and sadness will fix nothing. I'm not sure what to do. I can't ignore it. And realize that any fix will require my full engagement. It will also require him to decide that he needs to fix things, and without that commitment, nothing I do will make a damn bit of difference.

Agency. 

At what point does one deserve the right to destroy himself?  At what point do I pull the plug?  Is it even my plug to pull?

This kind of makes the sideshow going on in the background laughable. A certain FOO character is playing an obscure long game, in which the only winning move is to not play or engage. As if I have time, energy or inclination for whatever bullshit (and that's the only airtime THAT is getting).

Still doing the heavy lift of fixing myself. Had an incredibly fruitful session with R yesterday regarding 1985-1989. It's....a little amazing that things went on as long as they did. 

I feel as though if I can get a handle on all of this, it'll somehow help my elder problem. I think there is something there in that timeframe that will help me rein in my own visceral reactions to here and now and actually help elder figure out how to go forward from here, how to dig out.  Unfortunately, he is my match in mulishness, so I need to think of ways to appeal to his sense of self preservation (which appears to be all but absent).

It's all of a piece, and I am piecing it all together. 

But this is really, really hard.....