I have a hard time knowing whether Nic is being canny or clueless, because his cluelessness veers crazily toward genius when it comes to dealing with people.
He gets off the bus announcing he told everyone he wouldn't be in on Friday because he's having a slumber party. I emailed his teacher and told her that yes, Nic will be in--out of town guests are coming, but they aren't due until Friday PM. She promptly emailed me back and thanked me for the clarification.
So okay, he's decided he's more or less ODed on Bob the Builder (thank goodness). He spent a lot of yesterday afternoon working on building a track with the gear a friend clearing out toys gave him. After Gabe came in from ESY, they worked on it together.
So he sees the twins plus their cousin outside. He runs out, hops on his scooter and takes off after them. G wants to go out, too. So we get him together, go out, and Nic is yelling his head off, chasing the other three kids on their bikes.
It becomes obvious they are trying to ditch him, but I hang back. They go around the block, and Nic follows. I realize that it's better than okay for him to go--he knows the neighborhood, and he's with the other three, if not behind them. (And I realize that though the twins are nearly 10, THEY only stay on this block, so this is a first for everyone).
Girl twin comes by and asks where Nic is. I told her that he was following her and the boys. She looked embarrassed. Then I see Nic coming up the block.
A few altercations ensue. Twice I took Nic by the hand and informed him loudly that B & D DON'T want to play with him, take a hint. And twice, I'll be damned, didn't he march right back and insert himself in the proceedings?
I sat back, realizing I was actually doing more harm then good. The boys weren't chasing him off, and the younger one kept glancing my way. I wasn't about to drag him kicking and screaming away, so I just decided to let it play out.
But it was hard. You can't make anyone like your kid. Nic is inherently likable when he's not being obnoxious. The only way for him to learn in these situations is to DO--right or wrong, this is the school of hard knocks.
So Perky and the kids come out, on their way to another social event. Nic admonishes the son for waving a stick in Nic's face. Perky comes out. And Nic starts pelting her with details about the sleepover he's having, followed by the barbecue on Saturday, and she's trying to drive off, and not be rude, conscious of the fact I'm sitting there.
And I wonder to myself, how much of this is "Nyah, nyah, YOU'RE not invited?"
Gabe and I go back in so I can make dinner. Then I hear the door knocker. Nic has summoned me.
"MOM" he shouted (despite the fact that I am less than five feet from him) "D JUST CALLED ME THE MOST AWFUL NAME!"
"Did not!" D shouts back from across the street.
(and I smother a laugh and a smile thinking this is so
"What did he call you, Nic?"
"BUTTHEAD! It's a horrible, horrible thing to call some one!" And with that he hops on his scooter and heads back across the street for more abuse.
"While it's not the nicest thing to say, there are certainly worse things he could have called you," I yelled after him. I closed the door, thinking he'd figure it out.
He played with them until they left. Or near them.
He may be easily upset, but this kid is, underneath it all, made of iron.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Iron Nic
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
What I am learning about my 8 year old
Nic confuses as much as he amazes.
He is a scary bright kid, with a wicked sense of humor, and the commentary he makes sounds precocious, but more often than not, it's said innocently--but people think he's a smartass. (I had the same problem)
We've had a lot of good here the last few days. He and G did great at a wedding on Saturday, birthday party on Sunday, and his day yesterday--good overall, bad in other parts....but even the little triumphs are big:
He came off the bus and wanted to play with the twins across the street. I'm finding now that he wants to play outside now, and the main reason is that now that Capri2's kids have left for the shore for the summer, it's 'safe' for him to come out and play. The neighborhood pecking order has changed--at least for a little while. We'll take that.
I'm also discovering how mean Perky's kids are. Nic went out to play with them, and they were really mean to one another--infinitely meaner than my kids are to one another, even when they are fighting. Nic thought they were joking--until perfect son made perfect daughter cry and run into the house. And then he told son off for being so mean.
Both kids went in. They came out again and called the twins over when my kids came in for dinner. And I wonder why I am having anger issues. But anyway.
We went to the pool for a bit after we got G, and both boys had kids to hang out with. I should say here that we were met with suspicion, since although this is a township pool and we are members of the township, we were the only white people there. However, Nic found one of his classmates and hung out with him--until the kid realized he could totally outswim my boy, who doesn't even get his head wet.
Then Nic stuck his face in the water. Any one who has ever had a kid who refused to get their head wet should realize how huge this is. And he did it several times.
So we have good here, my boys socializing, swimming, Nic getting more adventurous, until he went to the men's room to get changed. He came running out--jaybird--waving towel, suit, clothes yelling that he needed to show me something he found in the locker room.....
Two pennies.
I went ballistic and told him that if he EVER streaked like that again he'd lose his computer for two months. (as it is, he lost it for the rest of the week).
He wanted to go to the community center library (two blocks from the pool) and get some books out. We did, and he wanted to go check out the playground. That was fine until I realized he discovered some used birthday cake in a mini eating area and was eating it. "The rat needs to stop eating junk food," he said.
I went ballistic again, cursing Charlotte's Web and the county fair wherein Templeton gorges himself on the spoils of the fair--because guess who he thought he was? He lost video privileges and was reminded the eating found food could kill him.
(I think he still thinks he's a rat, but anyway).
So we came in from that excursion and he saw the neighbor kids, wanted to play, and that was okay. So what I've learned about Nic yesterday:
1) Peer pressure is an effective way to move him forward
2) He hates conflict and would rather think people are joking around than actually being mean to one another
3) He has the emotional maturity of a four year old in that he still thinks that whatever he sees in videos directly translates to real life
4) He is really motivated to have friends but still needs a lot of coaching from the sidelines. (Borne out by the fact that I had to call him over at the pool a few times and tell him to stop yelling for people to stop splashing--it's a pool and people will think you are WEIRD if you yell that. He stopped. )
So we will continue to push forward, get out as much as we can, get together with friends as often as we can, and I will continue to look for good safe opportunities for Nic to practice being a friend. It's hard work, but anything worth doing is never easy.
He is a scary bright kid, with a wicked sense of humor, and the commentary he makes sounds precocious, but more often than not, it's said innocently--but people think he's a smartass. (I had the same problem)
We've had a lot of good here the last few days. He and G did great at a wedding on Saturday, birthday party on Sunday, and his day yesterday--good overall, bad in other parts....but even the little triumphs are big:
He came off the bus and wanted to play with the twins across the street. I'm finding now that he wants to play outside now, and the main reason is that now that Capri2's kids have left for the shore for the summer, it's 'safe' for him to come out and play. The neighborhood pecking order has changed--at least for a little while. We'll take that.
I'm also discovering how mean Perky's kids are. Nic went out to play with them, and they were really mean to one another--infinitely meaner than my kids are to one another, even when they are fighting. Nic thought they were joking--until perfect son made perfect daughter cry and run into the house. And then he told son off for being so mean.
Both kids went in. They came out again and called the twins over when my kids came in for dinner. And I wonder why I am having anger issues. But anyway.
We went to the pool for a bit after we got G, and both boys had kids to hang out with. I should say here that we were met with suspicion, since although this is a township pool and we are members of the township, we were the only white people there. However, Nic found one of his classmates and hung out with him--until the kid realized he could totally outswim my boy, who doesn't even get his head wet.
Then Nic stuck his face in the water. Any one who has ever had a kid who refused to get their head wet should realize how huge this is. And he did it several times.
So we have good here, my boys socializing, swimming, Nic getting more adventurous, until he went to the men's room to get changed. He came running out--jaybird--waving towel, suit, clothes yelling that he needed to show me something he found in the locker room.....
Two pennies.
I went ballistic and told him that if he EVER streaked like that again he'd lose his computer for two months. (as it is, he lost it for the rest of the week).
He wanted to go to the community center library (two blocks from the pool) and get some books out. We did, and he wanted to go check out the playground. That was fine until I realized he discovered some used birthday cake in a mini eating area and was eating it. "The rat needs to stop eating junk food," he said.
I went ballistic again, cursing Charlotte's Web and the county fair wherein Templeton gorges himself on the spoils of the fair--because guess who he thought he was? He lost video privileges and was reminded the eating found food could kill him.
(I think he still thinks he's a rat, but anyway).
So we came in from that excursion and he saw the neighbor kids, wanted to play, and that was okay. So what I've learned about Nic yesterday:
1) Peer pressure is an effective way to move him forward
2) He hates conflict and would rather think people are joking around than actually being mean to one another
3) He has the emotional maturity of a four year old in that he still thinks that whatever he sees in videos directly translates to real life
4) He is really motivated to have friends but still needs a lot of coaching from the sidelines. (Borne out by the fact that I had to call him over at the pool a few times and tell him to stop yelling for people to stop splashing--it's a pool and people will think you are WEIRD if you yell that. He stopped. )
So we will continue to push forward, get out as much as we can, get together with friends as often as we can, and I will continue to look for good safe opportunities for Nic to practice being a friend. It's hard work, but anything worth doing is never easy.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Last Mile
The Last Mile
I’m in a bit of snit at the moment. You see, my kids are included in school . They are both mildly autistic but can get by fine with a little support (ie, my older son needs a little help still with social interactions, but after an exchange or two, he actually does fine.
So okay, I move mountains to make sure they are included and welcome wherever we go. For the most part, I am successful.
But there are days when I never see the wall and am literally gobsmacked when I hit it. Yesterday was one of those days.
I practically share a driveway with Perky, my perfect next door neighbor with her perfect NT kids. Apparently she had a party last night (outdoor) wherein she invited every kid in the neighborhood. Except mine.
My kids would not have been any the wiser except for the fact that when I was trying to get them to bed, there was a lot of screaming and carrying on right outside their bedroom windows. Yes. we are out here having fun and YOU AREN'T. I understand their right to have a party and to invite whomever you want, but....I'm thinking with a little heads up, I could have made sure my kids were elsewhere.
But as it was, we were here. And this is where buy-in from the community is still lacking. My kids are treated as if they have a communicable disease, not a neurological disorder. With all the autism awareness campaigns that abound, it is amazing that ignorance persists.
But it does. It does.
I’m in a bit of snit at the moment. You see, my kids are included in school . They are both mildly autistic but can get by fine with a little support (ie, my older son needs a little help still with social interactions, but after an exchange or two, he actually does fine.
So okay, I move mountains to make sure they are included and welcome wherever we go. For the most part, I am successful.
But there are days when I never see the wall and am literally gobsmacked when I hit it. Yesterday was one of those days.
I practically share a driveway with Perky, my perfect next door neighbor with her perfect NT kids. Apparently she had a party last night (outdoor) wherein she invited every kid in the neighborhood. Except mine.
My kids would not have been any the wiser except for the fact that when I was trying to get them to bed, there was a lot of screaming and carrying on right outside their bedroom windows. Yes. we are out here having fun and YOU AREN'T. I understand their right to have a party and to invite whomever you want, but....I'm thinking with a little heads up, I could have made sure my kids were elsewhere.
But as it was, we were here. And this is where buy-in from the community is still lacking. My kids are treated as if they have a communicable disease, not a neurological disorder. With all the autism awareness campaigns that abound, it is amazing that ignorance persists.
But it does. It does.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Discovering What's Possible
I know it's been a while. My life has been insane. Well, more so than usual.
I have much more to say but for right now, the following will have to do. The work sit is no clearer now than it was last week, but the heart palpitations have (for the moment) gone away. I came back from the seminar I gave on Friday and had a message from the magazine--so two stories for the ext two months are secure.
That's one part. I have another big chunk yet to account for, and I still don't know where that's going to come from. But I have two trainings in two weeks, plus some leads for additional sessions. And we will be covered for the conference again this year. So life is good. So far. For the moment.
But my mind was taken off these things by some bigger gains this past weekend. Nic had two issues he needed to problem solve, one at swimming, and another during soccer--and he resolved both on his own. He and Gabe sat through ten innings of the Phillies game on Saturday night--and did fine.
Sunday both boys came to church with me. Nic had a birthday party to attend (his second this year). It was laser tag, and definitely an iffy situation for him, but he went in with the rest of the kids and had a great time. The neighbor's granddaughter came over and knocked for Nic when we came back, and she and her twin played with Nic and Gabe for an hour before dinner.
All this stuff sounds amazingly normal and ho-hum, but when you take it with the fact that only a year ago, NONE of this would have been happening, it's pretty amazing, period.
May is shaping up to be a busy month for us, too. I remember a day not too long ago when I would have been scrambling for things for us to do, and it looks like suddenly, we have a lot going on. In a good way.
I have much more to say but for right now, the following will have to do. The work sit is no clearer now than it was last week, but the heart palpitations have (for the moment) gone away. I came back from the seminar I gave on Friday and had a message from the magazine--so two stories for the ext two months are secure.
That's one part. I have another big chunk yet to account for, and I still don't know where that's going to come from. But I have two trainings in two weeks, plus some leads for additional sessions. And we will be covered for the conference again this year. So life is good. So far. For the moment.
But my mind was taken off these things by some bigger gains this past weekend. Nic had two issues he needed to problem solve, one at swimming, and another during soccer--and he resolved both on his own. He and Gabe sat through ten innings of the Phillies game on Saturday night--and did fine.
Sunday both boys came to church with me. Nic had a birthday party to attend (his second this year). It was laser tag, and definitely an iffy situation for him, but he went in with the rest of the kids and had a great time. The neighbor's granddaughter came over and knocked for Nic when we came back, and she and her twin played with Nic and Gabe for an hour before dinner.
All this stuff sounds amazingly normal and ho-hum, but when you take it with the fact that only a year ago, NONE of this would have been happening, it's pretty amazing, period.
May is shaping up to be a busy month for us, too. I remember a day not too long ago when I would have been scrambling for things for us to do, and it looks like suddenly, we have a lot going on. In a good way.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
meandering chardonnay fueled rant
Where to start? Dh is stuck in Italy; he left a week ago today and was supposed to get in yesterday. Long story short, he overslept, missed his flight, and won't be in until tomorrow.
Nic. Ah, Nic. Kicking academic tush in 2nd grade thus far, but is so seriously lacking in support (his teacher is split between two classrooms and they just got around to hiring an aide...whom I am beginning to understand is not enough). I get emails basically blaming Nic for his own bad behavior when it seems to me that it's easier to blame nic than to give him the support he needs. Seriously considering calling an IEP on this NOW.
More Nic. We started swim lessons this week, as I have found a pool both boys will get into. We did family swim at that pool today. I feel good about this. I think I've found something that both boys can have fun and success with.
More Nic. So our last day of our parish carnival was today and I took both boys. They had a blast, except one man kept Gabe off a ride that I think Gabe was tall enough for (or one kid got off who was Gabe's height, and he had no adult with him--so I don't know why Gabe was kept off, esp since I was riding with him, but anyway). The big downer was the big slide. We rode it about 10 times, but the guy at the top, when he saw how upset Nic was when he didn't give Nic the middle lane, kept pushing him to one side or the other. I finally marched up there and told him "Shame on you, he's autistic. Give him the middle lane and stop riding him like that!" (I had been going down with Gabe and we weren't all together--I would just see Nic looking upset, and of course, Nic loses his ability to put a coherent sentence together when he's upset).
The guy just gave me a look like I had two heads. Didn't even have the humanity to look ashamed at harassing a disabled kid.
Right now I'm just p*ssed off. Why does eveything have to be such a freaking up hill battle? I would love it if for one day I wouldn't have to be putting on my battle garb for one boy or the other.
(ps, Gabriel STILL doesn't have an IEP or notice of placement, even though he's been going to school the new four-day schedule).
Tired of this sh*t. Need a vacation. Or more wine.
Nic. Ah, Nic. Kicking academic tush in 2nd grade thus far, but is so seriously lacking in support (his teacher is split between two classrooms and they just got around to hiring an aide...whom I am beginning to understand is not enough). I get emails basically blaming Nic for his own bad behavior when it seems to me that it's easier to blame nic than to give him the support he needs. Seriously considering calling an IEP on this NOW.
More Nic. We started swim lessons this week, as I have found a pool both boys will get into. We did family swim at that pool today. I feel good about this. I think I've found something that both boys can have fun and success with.
More Nic. So our last day of our parish carnival was today and I took both boys. They had a blast, except one man kept Gabe off a ride that I think Gabe was tall enough for (or one kid got off who was Gabe's height, and he had no adult with him--so I don't know why Gabe was kept off, esp since I was riding with him, but anyway). The big downer was the big slide. We rode it about 10 times, but the guy at the top, when he saw how upset Nic was when he didn't give Nic the middle lane, kept pushing him to one side or the other. I finally marched up there and told him "Shame on you, he's autistic. Give him the middle lane and stop riding him like that!" (I had been going down with Gabe and we weren't all together--I would just see Nic looking upset, and of course, Nic loses his ability to put a coherent sentence together when he's upset).
The guy just gave me a look like I had two heads. Didn't even have the humanity to look ashamed at harassing a disabled kid.
Right now I'm just p*ssed off. Why does eveything have to be such a freaking up hill battle? I would love it if for one day I wouldn't have to be putting on my battle garb for one boy or the other.
(ps, Gabriel STILL doesn't have an IEP or notice of placement, even though he's been going to school the new four-day schedule).
Tired of this sh*t. Need a vacation. Or more wine.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
End of the week, month, summer
Had the audit yesterday. I thought IEP meetings were bad, but this was worse. Nothing is resolved; more info is needed, and I pray that whatever we provide will be enough to absolve us. Thinking we should hire out to do taxes from now on, as general incompetence seems to have triggered this.
And my biz, of course. Maybe I should work for some one else and get my W-2 and call it a day (shouldn't have even typed that, I just gave myself hives).
SO I've learned a few lessons here. Things are not bad or unmanageable, but sometimes taken together with the autism (can you believe THAT came up in the audit??)--not so much autism, but all the complications that ensue, especially with Nic--well, I think sometimes that getting a get out of shit free card should be mine for the playing.
But it's not, so I deal.
And my biz, of course. Maybe I should work for some one else and get my W-2 and call it a day (shouldn't have even typed that, I just gave myself hives).
SO I've learned a few lessons here. Things are not bad or unmanageable, but sometimes taken together with the autism (can you believe THAT came up in the audit??)--not so much autism, but all the complications that ensue, especially with Nic--well, I think sometimes that getting a get out of shit free card should be mine for the playing.
But it's not, so I deal.
We've come a long way in two years
We had the semi annual dentist appointment yesterday, wherein we all go en familie to get our teeth checked, cleaned etc.
Two years ago, Nic needed restraints to get the cleaning done (and two teeth pulled). I hated to do it, but the only other choice was anesthetizing him, which I refused to do. We got it done, but with no shortage of screaming, yelling and general mayhem.
A year ago, we didn't need the restraints, but Nic needed to be in my lap. And he did a fair share of yelling from the chair, but at least this time we didn't need to be in a closed room significantly apart from the other patients.
This year? He went to the chair on his own. I was getting my own teeth checked and cleaned a few chairs down and could hear Nic chatting with the hygenist between getting his mouth checked and teeth cleaned. When he was done, he came down to my chair to get his brother and shepherd him over to get his teeth checked and cleaned. (and Gabriel was fine, too).
I never would have imagined that we could actually go to the dentist and have it be a somewhat 'normal' experience. For as far as we have to go, I can't believe how far we've already come.
Two years ago, Nic needed restraints to get the cleaning done (and two teeth pulled). I hated to do it, but the only other choice was anesthetizing him, which I refused to do. We got it done, but with no shortage of screaming, yelling and general mayhem.
A year ago, we didn't need the restraints, but Nic needed to be in my lap. And he did a fair share of yelling from the chair, but at least this time we didn't need to be in a closed room significantly apart from the other patients.
This year? He went to the chair on his own. I was getting my own teeth checked and cleaned a few chairs down and could hear Nic chatting with the hygenist between getting his mouth checked and teeth cleaned. When he was done, he came down to my chair to get his brother and shepherd him over to get his teeth checked and cleaned. (and Gabriel was fine, too).
I never would have imagined that we could actually go to the dentist and have it be a somewhat 'normal' experience. For as far as we have to go, I can't believe how far we've already come.
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