Not Over Yet

 My time at home is ending; a new adventure begins next week. Without looking, work found me; I had three offers to consider, and I accepted the most challenging one.

Why? Because I think I can.

I’m like a bumble bee; I shouldn’t be able to fly, but I do because nobody told me I can’t. Not for nothing, folks are warning me and now I find myself collapsing into tears because I wonder if in fact this is the best choice I could have made, and did I make it for the best reasons?

My older guy, the pain and delight of my heart, continues to struggle with everything. We requested and received the diagnosis and treatment information to submit to medical assistance to renew them both. Younger’s was probably the shortest his has ever been; elder’s was a punch in the chest. There isn’t a thing there that doesn’t belong, but the magnitude is soul crushing.

I know that if things don’t work out, it won’t be the end of the world. At the same time, I wish I knew what was best; I wish I knew why things seem to come looking for me; I wish I knew how it all ended so I can pick the right path instead of trying to make my best guess, because my best guess is always wrong.

I want to believe everything will be okay.

Progress?

 I’m still struggling with elder’s resignation, but I’ll get there in a minute. Another thing going on is likely the last eval either kid is going to have to establish strengths, needs, and baselines for The Rest of Their Lives. Add to that new job jitters and the anxiety I have ANYWAY and it’s a shitshow.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, but fear is the thing thrumming under everything else, and what’s not fear is grief, and what is neither of those is generalized anxiety and depression and the sum total is me dissolving into an ADHD torpor.

What are you doing today, hubby asked. I countered why is he asking, already the guilt I have over not accomplishing every damn thing on my running list washing over me. I still have a lot of stuff to do and might be able to set to it once I get elder to work and after my meeting with my new boss.

That has me stressed.

But it’s okay. And if it’s not, it will be.

What do you do when….

 …your kids listen to what the world has to say about them?

What do you do when you fall off the cliff?

I can’t make elder do anything. He is capable of so much more than he’s currently doing, but he’s given up. And I’m tired. I know I need to build something, but I don’t know what it is or how to do it.

Listening to the birds, maybe they know something….

I Could Be Better…

 I think the wheels are coming off my wagon.

There’s a lot. If the last few years didn’t happen the way they did, we might be in a better place. Or at least elder would be.

He’s not, so I’m not. You are only as happy as your unhappiest kid, so I don’t think I’ve been really happy in a while. 

Throw in general uncertainty that’s always there anyway, and it’s a recipe for wanting to crawl under something substantial and not come back out. I don’t worry, I pray, and lately everything is a prayer: gratitude for the things that make me smile and supplication for everything else.

Lots of supplication lately. We’ve hit the cliff. There’s a drop.  I can’t see bottom. 

Hope may be stupid, but it’s all I’ve got.

Lessons Learned

 So right on the heels of one door closing, another couple opened, and choosing between the doors was a light lift. I’m not going to say much more about this at the moment other than I haven’t felt this good about a new gig for a long time.

Meanwhile, I think the time has come for elder to leave his first ever paying gig. He called me in tears yesterday, and both dad and I told him to wash his face and finish his shift. He wants to leave on good terms, so he’s going to do the right things and …. It’s just time.

Younger guy will take two classes this summer and has his fall semester scheduled. He currently has a 3.8 gpa, and the advisor made a comment about me helping him with his classes. The truth is, I don’t even know what classes he’s taking, let alone when his stuff is due. This is all him. He has a solid work ethic because he’s always had to work for his grades.

But it’s crunch time. Adulthood looms large, and a long road unfolds ahead of us.

So. Many. Thoughts.

 A few things happening here and now. I feel like I should be DONE that aforementioned list by now, but apparently I’m having a problem initiating a couple things. If I knock one thing off a day, I’ll be doing something.

I’ve been making a couple daily goals, just so I can say I’m doing something. It feels good to check things off, but then there’s so much more to do. I feel daunted.

My guys need to show a little more initiative. Daily I push them both to do just a little more than the day before. Elder’s sport absorption has become exhausting (I hear him yelling at the Sixers; he asked dad to join him in the man cave, but dad also finds his yelling exhausting)

I lost 15 lbs and am holding there since December. This is important, because my glucose and A1C are in normal range and cholesterol is down. My eyes, which were showing early stage age macular degeneration, are looking closer to normal. So I basically need to keep my body at optimal or everything will literally fall apart.

I’m trying. I need to keep it together,