Everything, everything

 Sometimes the weight of it all is more than I can bear.

I arrived home from dropping younger yesterday at school to hubby on the phone, apparently negotiating a doctor visit for elder.  He was rubbing his brow, "tomorrow?  7:30?  AM? Next open appointment is March what?"

Oh, yes, the follow up with elder's neuro opthamalogist, to check on the pseudotumor, because weight, because here we are again. I waved at him and he looked over. "I'll take him," I said.  He did a double take.

"I'll take him," I repeated, thinking great, need to get him up so we can get out the door by 6:30, Philly traffic, the sure kill, University City traffic, parking......fuck....."I'll take him."

I set an alarm, something I never do. Coffee, shower, stick my head in his room and rouse him (head in pillow case as always, I have no idea how he sleeps like that)

In the car, waiting, waiting, waiting...finally appears at 6:40 and I lost 10 minutes according to Google in the commute into town. I carry on like a crazy person, pretty much the whole way there.  I want to drop him off. No, he wants to come up with me, he doesn't care if he's late, he can't go up alone....

I finally park and am beside myself. He insists I double back and lock up the car. I literally can't think. He steers me to where we need to go, route through the lobby, up the escalator, up another elevator.....

...revealing the lie--he can, in fact, do it himself. 

Yesterday, he learned humility. He forgot about a meeting scheduled, and the person he stood up had some words about that. He was furious, and quickly revealed that the fury was at himself. I coached him "BE SORRY," I said. "YOU WERE WRONG. OWN IT."

He sure did. I overheard the ensuing conversation after he left an apologetic email and sent an apologetic text.  There is room for Grace.

I'm thinking on this as I sat in the atrium, waiting for him to be seen, put through his paces. Finally the nurse calls me back, I have a happy reunion with his Dr (who we first met at CHOP) and no pseudotumor at this time, although his liver is at risk and we need to deal with the weight (yes, I know, but I can't do that for him.). He gives me his email address and tells me to contact him any time. 

Back in the car, hi-jinks home (only one crazy aggressive driver, so that was a step up). He slept, I just think on all of it.  He turned 21 on Sunday. Because COVD and no friends, I threw up the bat signal to make it as special as I could. A lot of my friends sent cards, and the drive by I planned got snowed out with a re-set this Saturday (he doesn't know).

He's 21. I have an adult child. Who will likely be with me forever. 

I'm feeling it all.