Perpetual Change

Trying to wrap my head around it all....

Elder is struggling with college this semester, and impending adulthood.  Heels dug in, kicking and screaming will he be dragged to the threshold of his 20s. And likely beyond. Seriously.  He is resisting age harder than I am at the moment.

Younger is finally (finally!) on an even keel.  His placement agrees with him, and he is making inroads to becoming more active in his school activities and making a greater effort to seek out his people.

He also met Mandy Patinkin, one of his heroes, last week. So that has him in a good mood.

I'm struggling.  My therapist departed for greener pastures in July and I am doing a lot of heavy lifting in coming to terms with things (people) I can't change and changing my behavior to keep me from further scarring up my psyche.  My cone of shame is invisible.

I perseverate on how people blame me instead of letting it all go. I'm not done processing. It's taking a painfully long time, but I can't undo decades of programming overnight, as much as I'd like to.

I have my bird, who is equally happy to have me. But man, I would really love to have a dog right now. Another thing we are working on. I think it would do G a world of good. And I do think it would do all of us good.

I pray a lot. I try to spend as much time in the woods as I can (saw bluebirds yesterday, which totally made my day.)  But I am so tired.