Reflections

It started in the wee hours of the morning today. I woke up around 2:30 am when G decided to wander in like a little ghost and clamber into bed with me. For some reason I was knocked sideways in time and found myself in Robert Wood Johnson Hospital early one morning while the night nurse bought Nic in.

I couldn't bear to be apart from Nic when he was first born--when I spoke as I reached from him for the first time, the expression on his face as he opened his eyes and LOOKED at me with that unmistakable expression of recognition--that "Oh, it's YOU!" And knowing pretty much from that moment on that there was something exceptional about him, that would require all the stewardship capability in my arsenal to protect him...

But I'm getting away from that night in the hospital room. I reluctantly let Nic go because I was so sleep deprived and exhausted, and I passed out into a dreamless sleep. I stirred, thinking I should call the nurse to get Nic, but here was the nurse, wheeling Nic in, handing him to me while he rooted and called for me, his mouth a smudge in the near darkness.

I keep coming to that moment, like a tape loop, Nic in the air, perfectly swaddled, mouth open, coming into my arms, knowing that my life is forever changed, and moved to tears, without really knowing why.