Radio Days

 I’ve said before my younger guy is full of surprises.

He’s been quietly blazing his own trail in big brother’s wake; woe to the person who assumes younger is the same as elder. They couldn’t be more different, which makes their bond all the more special. 

So, while his post K-12 trajectory looks identical to his brother’s on paper, the reality couldn’t be any more divergent. Elder tolerated community college; younger jumped in with both feet. He wants involvement, and…it looks like he’s starting to find his groove and his people.

His radio show is his favorite thing right now. Every week he sits down with his notebook and laptop and puts together his playlist. After the first two shows, he stopped consulting me, so I was as surprised as anyone else by what his shows would be.

His choices never fail to move me.

Occasionally, he peers out at me from the control room to gauge my reaction. Most of the set, he’s in his own world, head gently bobbing in time to the music as he sets his levels.  He always emerges at the end of his set in a good mood.

He’s found his thing.

We have his penultimate IEP meeting tomorrow. 

What a long strange trip it’s been….

Crying into My Beer

 Man, I don’t know what’s worse: the level of disorganization, or the level of heartbreak that comes with going through all the objects and deciding what stays and what goes.

My office/aviary needed some TLC, so I cleared out so I can at least throw some darts. My night stand yielded all kinds of flotsam, birthday cards, old pictures, books, and the predictable kick to the gut that life isn’t executing for my guys the way I’d hoped.

I keep reminding myself we’re not done yet; there’s plenty of story left to write. I’m struggling with how much input I need to be giving at the moment. My younger guy needs less; elder requires more, but won’t accept direction.

So I gotta watch him flail.

The fuck.

I’m getting too old for this shit.

Adventures

 October 2008

Took my first couple road trips without the family during my Train the Trainer days, back to back trips to Penn State, then Pittsburgh. The boys were 8 and just turned 5. 

Better Days

The sun’s out; motivating myself to get out and walk. I’ll do that in a minute. Just thinking about absent friends and the people who’ve stopped in my life and made things better by stopping by.

I aspire to be that person, the one who makes things better by stopping by. And truly, I’m working on it.

Breaking Bread

 I keep thinking of a weekend a couple months back where I was thrown back in time, in more ways than one.

When I moved out on my own 35 years ago, I went straight to my own apartment; no dorms, or roommates, or any of the ups and downs that go with cohabitation. My first—and last—roommate was my husband. In November, I became a researcher in residence and stayed at the accommodation provided. For some reason, I pictured a room in an old house, that looked vaguely Bed and Breakfast-y. 

Turned out it wasn’t that, at all. We stayed in a new building at the foot of the mountain that looked like a standalone dorm. In it, was a common living area, dining space, complete kitchen, and four bedrooms, each with twin beds. We were directed to bring our own food, if we wanted, or options were available in town, or at the box store development about 20 minutes away.

I packed light, as I always do. I brought a couple microwave bags of Indian food, a few tins of sardines, some fruit, and a few snack bags of nuts.  I saw one of my roommates for the weekend packed a lot more than I did. I also saw that coffee was provided, so my unofficial job for the weekend was getting the morning pot of coffee going. (Apparently this was the best thing ever for the other roommate, which kinda makes me laugh, because it wasn’t that big a deal).

The first night, the heavy packer and I settled in to watch some Netflix (because we don’t have Netflix at home and there were a couple things I wanted to watch).  The next evening, bad weather ended our session early. I settled in to watch something else while my roommate busied herself in the kitchen. She brought a bowl of gnocchi with tomato sauce over to me, saying she made too much for herself.

I thanked her. I’m sitting here now thinking about this; someone who I just met giving me a bowl of food.

I didn’t realize I was hungry until I tasted it; and it was so good, I sat with every bite. Intentionally. I thanked her profusely, and she retreated back to her room. And I sat with this little bowl of pasta thinking it was literally the best meal ever.

That weekend was something special. I signed up for the course because it was something I wanted to do that had zero to do with autism or anything else that constitutes my normal. And the entire weekend, from the class work to the field work, to the pizza party and owl banding our last night, took me completely out of my usual routine and gave me a glimpse of other possibilities.

I was happy to get on my way back to it, though. I planned my route home intentionally, enjoying the backroads that brought me first to my favorite second home and visiting with friends, then to my favorite Greek Orthodox Church for some amazing food to go to bring back to the boys.

I keep thinking that weekend should have been most memorable for the raptors and all the personalities I met.

But I keep coming back to that amazing little meal.

I think made magical because it was unexpected. And because someone else made it.

For me.

Finally Back!

 I won’t bore you with why I haven’t posted lately; really the most banal of reasons, and I would have to admit that I am not the IT maven I think I am.

Anyway, I figured out how to get back in because a friend of mine said I have some important things to say. Honestly, I don’t feel like I add much to anything, particularly since COVD killed my older guy’s momentum.

In short, he’s still working his part time gigs. No FTE. Yet. I must remain hopeful.

Younger fires on all cylinders. This kid, who was never the academic powerhouse his brother was, comes by his academic prowess honestly. He doesn’t have his brother’s photographic memory, so applies a rather rigorous work ethic to his academics.  This semester, he took basic psych, nutrition, his Microsoft class (in concert with his VoTech) and an upper level theater course (in which he blew me and dad away with his performance).

He did well; well enough for him to take on a full course load next semester (and, if that weren’t enough, he auditioned into a choral class that required him to get special dispensation from the VoTech for early dismissal twice a week to attend it).

Hell, why not?

He also has a weekly radio show he enjoys doing at the college radio station. And he continues to enjoy working at the pizzeria.

So that’s good.

In other news, we added Gary to our cockatiel flock in September; he’s a younger bird trying desperately to get Paulie’s affection. We just had our fourth trip to the vet this month for Paulie, and he’s not doing well. We’re just trying to keep him comfortable.

For the new year, I’m going to pray for some direction for elder. We didn’t come this far to fail.

So, there was supposed to be a recessional.....

 **Audience is asked to stand in place until academic staff and graduates have exited the field.
(from the commencement program).

This didn't happen, but I get ahead of myself.

The difference of having my two four years apart is as different as my two...two completely different people with two completely different sets of things going on. Looking back over the last 17 years in this school district through the lens of our unique perspective (because I know there isn't a family like ours, or we would have met them by now), I have to say the boys did okay, measured by the yardstick of the norm.

However, we sit outside of that, so by any measure, they blew the roof off of every expectation anyone has ever had of them.  Well, except for me and dad, because neither of us expected any less from our kids.

But, we're not done, yet.  They both have a whole lifetime ahead of them. 

But, in the moment, there's this moment, where all the teachers and graduates process in, caps, gowns, sashes, medals, ribbons--all the pomp and circumstance. What's different about this moment and the one four years ago is, well, everything. Elder's class was just ahead of The Last Normal.  Then pandemic, then everything shut down, derailed, and everyone is in the same damn ocean flailing because the boat that was our "normal" sank into the unprecedented.

So younger's night looked like elder's, except it wasn't.

Graduation was an hour earlier--why?  Because Ida took out the stadium lights last September when the world ended, and they haven't been replaced, yet. It was an hour earlier, and an hour hotter.  But, all of the family and friends packed the stands, like four years ago, because we could, and because we all need a little more of the "normal" that sank. Even the speeches reflected the difference of the last four years from when they arrived. In sophomore year, they were supposed to be off for two weeks--not to return in person for the rest of the year. That year lost what we had last night--that "normal", that celebration.  Their junior year started in that same fashion--and a lot of activities were canceled, and the seniors who were supposed to have "their year"....didn't.

And this is the thing that put all our kids in the same boat...in the same struggle. Everything we had expected just wasn't THAT anymore. 

Four years ago, the closing, class response, and recessional went off with precision; everyone stood in place while the graduates and faculty filed out and glided by twos back to the A-Plex.

Last night,  it was not that. 

After the Class Response, "Uptown Funk" blared through the speakers.  The graduates tossed their caps into the air.  Then they all started looking for their caps.  And then they all started hugging, shaking hands, exchanging fist bumps.

And then any semblence of "normal" went out the window.  Dammit, this was a celebration, so the hell with that recessional.  Let's all go down to the field and join them!

So we did. 

It's a good way to close out this chapter. 

We'll enjoy this moment. Because we still have a lot to do.