Myriad of Goings On

Well, things roll on. Was officially kicked to the curb yesterday. Finished two BI assignments, now I need to do a draft of my Life Sciences article, then off to Pittsburgh for another training.

Feeling a bit dicombobulated. G had a rough night last night. I was in meetings most of today. Tomorrow, I'll be a cleaning, writing and organizing maniac, then out the door 4 am Friday for my flight....back at 10 pm. Or later.

Want to write a little about G's first day. I spent alot of that day with him in my lap, propped up against my knees. He looked at me with the sweetest little face (not much changed really from that first day, except now he is so much lighter). With his thick black hair, ruddy skin and cobalt eyes, he was my little (not so little, really, 22 11/2 inches and 10.1 lbs at birth) Tecumseh.

I remember thinking I didn't know him like I knew Nic. Nic was my 24 hour occupation for 9 months plus 3 years and eight months. So preoccuppied was I with son 1 that I felt like I needed to get up to speed with son 2.

I loved that little guy. I remember reading the nurse's logs (he spent most of his time with me, but because of some complications at birth, more doing with his size than anything) they wanted to observe him. Uniformly, every one agreed he was beautiful. And quiet. And alert.

And five years later, he is still these things. And much more.

Reflections

It started in the wee hours of the morning today. I woke up around 2:30 am when G decided to wander in like a little ghost and clamber into bed with me. For some reason I was knocked sideways in time and found myself in Robert Wood Johnson Hospital early one morning while the night nurse bought Nic in.

I couldn't bear to be apart from Nic when he was first born--when I spoke as I reached from him for the first time, the expression on his face as he opened his eyes and LOOKED at me with that unmistakable expression of recognition--that "Oh, it's YOU!" And knowing pretty much from that moment on that there was something exceptional about him, that would require all the stewardship capability in my arsenal to protect him...

But I'm getting away from that night in the hospital room. I reluctantly let Nic go because I was so sleep deprived and exhausted, and I passed out into a dreamless sleep. I stirred, thinking I should call the nurse to get Nic, but here was the nurse, wheeling Nic in, handing him to me while he rooted and called for me, his mouth a smudge in the near darkness.

I keep coming to that moment, like a tape loop, Nic in the air, perfectly swaddled, mouth open, coming into my arms, knowing that my life is forever changed, and moved to tears, without really knowing why.

linkorama

still waiting for this video to get posted, so I'll put the link here:

http://dvideography.com/client/VC2008/

Two Chores the Kids Like

We bought a new washer and dryer in August--our dryer died and the washer limped behind it. So, we (not wanting to make this purchase again any time soon) picked the front open model washer and the dryer to go with. The boys are like a pair of cats (my lion and kitten) sitting in front of the washer and watching it go.

I try to run it when they aren't around.

But Nic likes to load and empty both the washer and dryer, and he's gotten good at both. I'm learning to let him help when he insists on it. And it's good he's starting to insist.

The other thing is raking leaves--he actually came out and grabbed a broom out of my hands and started pushing them to the curb on Sunday. As soon as he got off the bus yesterday, he grabbed a rake and went to work.

Kind of cool.

Gabe and he got into a leaf fight, and they tried to engage the neighbor kids. Who were promptly ushered inside by mom, but who cares, their loss. It was really pretty cool to watch them running around together, laughing, having a good time.

The next two weeks are going to be crazy busy. Need to get to work.

Random Thoughts While I Bird-dog My Third Grader into Finishing Homework

Yay, he's almost done, and it's only taken an hour and change today. Ordinarily it can take anywhere from 30 to 120 minutes (most of those 120 minutes are spent whining that he can't do it and it's too hard--then he finishes in 10. But anyway.)

Still working through something that happened quite a while ago. Suffice it to say that what goes around, comes around. But I have to make my peace with the fact that I may never see it.

And that the damage done me that last go-round gives evil people the last laugh.

Is it coincidence my little one just climbed into my lap?

There are things he can't fix, but he tries his best to heal.

And she who resembles a witch has created a different sort of hell for herself. Ugliness goes to the bone.

Just desserts.

Mom Stands In

So we got back from the Franklin Institute about an hour and half ago. For the record, it’s 11:15 Sunday morning.

Nic just started cub scouts in September, with a pack that is accepting of special needs kids. I’d say about half the kids in the pack have something going on, and the other half don’t. This weekend, our pack, and maybe a dozen others from the looks of it, camped out at the Franklin Institute.

I told dad that Scouts was his activity—he wanted Nic in the scouts, so I told him he needed to take Nic to the meetings and do whatever needed to get done to make Nic’s scouting experience successful.

So dad had pneumonia this week. Mom ended up chaperoning. When I saw that I was the only mom in testosterone central, I was not happy.

Neither were the guys, but that’s another post.

So after I got over my initial disgruntlement, and the fact that Nic had NO interest in running with his pack, I decided to sit back and let him lead. And guess what—we had fun.

Without the constraints of crowds, he was free to explore all the exhibits in his own time without waiting, without fighting for a turn. He particularly liked the amazing machines, which we missed when we went with his class last May—he spent a good hour running a crane, working a hydraulic maze, and building his own gears.

We also had a number of firsts—he liked the Liquid Air Show, which demonstrated the differences in solids, liquids and gases in a very real, immediate and fun way. Not too long ago, he would have elected to skip such an activity. And the IMAX? He did it—and loved it. Again, dad had to leave an IMAX after the first couple of minutes with Nic about 3 years ago. Nic sat through the whole thing and enjoyed it—despite the lateness of the hour.

(My big quibble with this Camp is the hours it keeps—lights out didn’t happen til 12:30 am. I am usually out by 9:30. PM.)

This morning, after years of sitting out of his school’s planetarium assemblies at our middle school, he elected to come into the planetarium because I wanted to do it. And he loved it.

From a social standpoint (if you are using that yardstick), it was less successful. Nic wanted to do what Nic wanted to do and was less interested in sharing this with his peers than experiencing things for himself. It wasn’t a disaster, but he simply didn’t care.

And I think this is where I need the wisdom to get that this is okay. That this is a conscious choice that Nic is making—to be alone, or at least be alone with me or dad. That’s always been okay for him. On one hand, I want to push him to socialize—but on the other, he does just FINE at school, thanks very much.

Interestingly, he does not want to hang out with the other identified kids in the pack—I guess he feels like he gets enough time with them during the week. There’s one (unidentified) kid who dad said has been a jerk to Nic and that we should have tried to avoid. I answered that no one else seemed to want to hang with that kid and that he probably has issues himself.

But labels or not, don’t we all have issues?

I’m sitting here writing after an outing that could have gone either way. And I’m not saying it was an unmitigated success—after all, we had a number of times this am when he screamed “I WANT TO PUSH MY OWN BUTTONS!” and forced us to wait for the next elevator. And people averted their eyes, went around us, and left me feeling embarrassed to be with this kid, then ashamed of my own embarrassment. Yeah, we had about a dozen of those moments. But those moments become insignificant when measured against these very simple things he did—going to the demonstration, sitting and experiencing IMAX, and—wonder of wonders—doing the show in the planetarium.

I have made my peace with the things my son is not. But everything he is? It’s simply amazing.

I had a lot of misgivings about this outing—not the least of which was the price tag. But I drove out of that dark parking garage in the bright sunlight of a Sunday morning thinking that this experience—for so many reasons—is priceless.

Stephen Colbert is Hot and Other Thoughts

I love Stephen Colbert. He's tall, dark, handsome, and funny as hell.

I started the new gig today. It's good. I'm in a good space.

Just realizing some things. One of the hardest things about living with Asperger's is that I hold everyone to my standard of honesty--and am always amazed when I am not treated in kind. It's even a bigger shock when I'm played for the bad guy when I'm the person who was wronged.

Amazingly, I am not bitter. I could be, but I'm not. These things are learning experiences, and I find that the stuff that costs me the most is the stuff that teaches me best.

So, in writing this, I turn the page to the next chapter of my career. I am amazed at where I'm going now, and how quickly things have moved along. Part of it was luck, part of it was positioning, and part of it was letting go and letting God.

I'm feeling good. And even better, the other piece, my writing, is flying along as my blog gets more readership, and as the paying gigs are stacking up.

It's all good. I'm a lucky woman.