Sorting out all the things

 "Sometimes I want to break you/

And bring you to your knees...."

A line from a song that my first serious boyfriend referred to as our song.  I called him on that line.  He laughingly dismissed me.

And then I dismissed him.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Lucky in that I prefer to be alone and satisfied with my own company than to be with an abuser.

Sooooo many layers to that statement.....

Your relationships early on influence the way they will go forward. Once I rued the fact that I wasn't, like one sibling, a collector--people friends with literally a life time.  My friendships generally have a finite lifespan, partly because I lose patience with people and partly because if you hurt me, you are dead to me.

It's not a perfect science, but I'm not, either.

I'm okay to be alone in a crowd.  If I don't have anyone to talk to, I enjoy people watching.  Sometimes I will insert myself, and more often, I won't.

And sometimes getting in a word edgewise is too much work.

Ten years ago today I did something that influenced my  current professional life for the better.  I stepped into a role left void and it turned out, I was most excellently suited for it.

I'm thinking that from a career standpoint, perhaps I am a collector of sorts. I do have my peeps going back a while now, whose company I enjoy and seek out. 

I will never be an SVP anywhere, but I don't care. I like my little backwater. I like the life I created for myself and my boys. Now the next big step will be to help them both build a life they themselves will be happy to inhabit. 

Aftermath

 So we live now in a federal disaster area. Elder and I accidentally ended up on a road heavy hit and were gobsmacked by the damage.  As a community, we are traumatized, and I can't begin to imagine the depth and breadth of the trauma of those living in the wake. It's wrenching.  

Cleanup operations continue. Those who can are pitching in. It's a lot, but it's getting cleaned up.

But still. This. Is mind-blowing.  And it won't be the last. It's a lot more humid these days. The world is indeed heating up at a hell of a clip.

Those of a biblical mind will see things here. It kinda does feel like the end of the world.

Well, &*#$

 So, the last 24 hours has been.....something.

My younger guy had his last first day of school.

Then stuff got canceled because weather.

Things escalated quickly.

I had planned to meet my work people in town for dinner.  All the sudden, I had meetings crowd my last 2 hours of my work day, guaranteeing that I was ass in chair until 5 pm.

Things I supposed work out the way they do for a reason. The boys tried to shoo me out, but I felt strongly that I needed to be close to home. I felt a little wimpy bailing on my peeps, but at the same time, the feeling was strong.

Less than a half hour later, we were, the four of us, in the basement.  Power left about 20 minutes in. Elder's anxiety amped up.  Dad tried to tend his newts while fielding work calls with his headlamp on. We ventured upstairs about 45 minutes later, and the kids immediately started demanding what's for dinner. 

Uuuuuuh.  Hm. We can't cook. We can't open the fridge or freezer. And everyone is in the same boat. Or would be. Foolishly, we all got into the SUV and took off in the pouring rain. 

By now other alarms were going off.  We figured out a way to a Wawa (fortunately everywhere) and grabbed dinner on the go. We made our way back home, only to find that the way we came was blocked by a tree that had fallen and splintered in the street.

Dad and I both did the calculus that we could have, at any time, been under it. 

We spoke nothing of it. 

After dinner, G, dad and I played scrabble by flashlight, then called it an early bed time.

What we didn't know until later was that tornados ripped up quite a bit of our town, and what didn't get ripped up got flooded.

I wanna cry.

I've never lived anything like this. Until today.