You can do hard things

 My mantra lately. Elder's, too. 

He's done complaining how I make him do things, which is a step in the right direction. I feel him. Lately I feel like I have to do a lot of things I'd rather not do, too. I do find a lot of things hard, at least getting started, anyway. 

But once I'm going, I'm good. 

Starting over (again) is hard, but I am a little more accepting of the status quo than I've been. I'm lucky. I can work. I need to tell the negative committee in my head to sit down and shut up. But they've been there forever, and they are a rowdy bunch, especially when I begin to doubt myself. Man, the crowd does go wild.....

I don't think it's an accident that I'm beginning again as my older guy is beginning, too. Actually, his time at community college is coming to an end, and we need to figure out what he's going to do next.  Is he going to transfer?  Is he going to try to get a full time gig?

"I'm frozen with indecision, mom," is often his rejoinder. 

But we need to start figuring this stuff out. He's plugging along with his summer classes, and I am plugging along with my self-study. My friends cheer me on, sending me texts and calling from time to time to check on me. 

Twenty-five years ago, I was in a similar place. I had waited for the doors to open again, and doors did open--but not the ones I had expected.  And it all worked out. I made new friends and learned new things. 

And I'm not too old to do it again. 

And in so doing, maybe I can help Elder find his way forward....

Duct Tape

 So when the world is running down, you make the best of what's still around.....

Had a good weekend; met up with the family at Blue Mountain on Friday night and pretty much shut the place down; Saturday took G to the Barn Sale (yay, back to normal, sort of) and then off to Nic's elevator friend's for brunch. G tried bacon. And managed his work schedule and rescheduling over the phone while we were there. And then went to work. I say yay.

Yesterday: mass, then off to get beer at my favorite place (and food from across the street) and off to my brother in law's to watch the Italy-England final in the UEFA Cup (Italy won. YAY.) Lots of family time, good for us all. 

THIS MORNING.....THE MIGHTY HUNTRESS CAUGHT A BUNNY.

OMG. Seriously. We make fun of the quadruped because she makes herself out to be a Mighty Huntress (stance, legs astride, ears forward, hackles up), but is scared of everything (like the time she yiped and launched herself sideways into me when a mourning dove startled her at close range).

So prey du jour was a baby rabbit. It's almost always a rabbit. Rarely something else, but if it's within range (i.e. her leash length), she might take a half-hearted lunge at a bird, a squirrel or a chipmunk. She will always, without fail, go berserk at the sight or smell of a rabbit regardless of distance. This am, I didn't see the baby bunny until we were on top of it. It dashed away, and then came right back to the dog, who reached down and grabbed it. The bunny squealed. I screamed. Penny yelped, dropping the bunny, who scrambled off to safety.

The dog, it should be noted, is quite chuffed about her conquest.

Cracks

 Change remains the only constant.

I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to be okay. I woke up and found myself in the middle of my sixth decade, and it is something of a rude shock. 

My colleague just laughingly told me I sound like an 80 year old. 

Elder will age even if he never grows up. 

Also, the dog is still here. 

The bird is not. 

My week's been spent trying to get the new IT to work (it sorta does; I made it happen, but it's far from perfect). I miss the comfort of the familiar. I speak bravely of this as a learning experience.

Alas, I don't feel brave. I feel lots of things, but brave isn't one of them. 

Life is too short and brutal to be balled up the way I am, but as I read back through my ad hoc journaling through the years, themes remain the same. I've been battling depression, anxiety and PTSD for years. I mask the three incredibly well. Some days I am better at masking the autism than others.  Each thing has developed its own compartment in my psyche.  As long as I can keep all the things contained in each respective compartment, I'm in fine shape.

The last 16 or so months I've leaned on my peeps for affirmation. It gets lonely, and when things get lonely, all the things start banging down the doors to be let out. So I send cheery texts, set up impromptu teams calls, and in short spurts, I am able to outsprint all the things.

I've been doing sprints. Maybe this new sprint will help.

I've survived worse.

Shards

 Everything lately has sharp edges.

I'm doing hard things, which would be enough on its own, but that I'm doing it while depressed and suffering bouts of PTSD is something miraculous.

The problem, though, is that this particular broken toy is simply running out. Of energy. Of patience.

Of time. 

I'm stripped of the network that kept me afloat the last 15 or so months. It's not anyone's fault. Well, it kind of is, but things happen for a reason, and maybe I was too comfortable, anyway. And I'm finding that no one would really get the *why* behind what I'm feeling.  I find lately it's easy to just blame myself and my insanity and call it a day. 

The struggle is real. 

I don't even know where to start. 

Maybe with the asshole down the street. Who said "There goes the retarded dog and its owner." Same dad to the kid who was in the car who said the same thing about the mom and her two retards.

Ten years ago. 

Last week. 

It's all of a piece to me because the visceral response is the same. 

One of many reasons I take the provisional quadruped out of the neighborhood to walk. But I still have to run a gauntlet to get out of the neighborhood. 

My whole life I have been accused by different people at different times that I invite the trouble, that I did something to deserve it/provoke it/make it happen, when all I'm trying to do is live my life and mind my own business. 

That it's still happening....and that I even *care*... is chewing away at me. 

I'm a breaker of things, a maker of relationships, a taker of chances, but really all I want to do right now is to hide under my weighted blanket and stay there. 

Everything weighs on me. 

Especially my kids. 

Also the dog. 

Who needs a new home.