Thursday, December 22, 2016

Screaming into the Wind

Wow, where do I start?  My kids are growing up too fast, and this world is changing faster than I can keep up. Feeling overwhelmed, bullied, left behind. How much of any of these perception, and how much is actual?

I'm not a good person to ask. Years of fighting tooth and nail for the boys have left me scarred, scared, and with a case of PTSD that would shake a combat veteran. I realize I am coming to an end of many things, and I am in the process of making peace with as many things as I can make peace with. Took the boys to confession last night.  Made a gift for my husband that won't be ready until after Christmas (it's okay, something for him to look forward to)

My main goals since autism were to get the boys do adulthood as functioning citizens, not clients. We are most of the way there, age-wise, but their lives are open questions given all the variables from political, ecological, and societal perspectives.  I'm finding myself focused on 'next world' stuff. I want them both to have a relationship with God, as I do. I'm finding that to be my overwhelming priority, almost to the exclusion of everything else.

Why?  I'm not sure. All I know is that I am cycling from sad, to tired, to quiet despair. I am feeling my age. I am feeling my mortality. All the petty pains of day to day living are little more than distractions to the business at hand.

I pray a lot. I pray for us all.

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