No accidents

I don't believe in coincidence.
I do believe that everything, on some level, is pre-ordained. It's the choice, the free will of all people, that provide the variables that make life so interesting, challenging and unpredictable.

In this latest stage of my life, I find my walk with God has taken me alongside, fortuitously, some one else of similar mind and belief who is making me ask some hard, hard questions.

Not coincidentally, my older son is struggling with a constellation of issues. My husband and I find ourselves struggling against his well-mounted coping mechanisms. We re doing saying all the right things and taking the right actions. But he's not seeing or hearing us.

I found myself asking my 9-year-old in first light this morning: "Can you help me save your brother?"

Wise little man that he is, he did not answer.

The small, still voice speaks

Where to start?

Gains? Losses?

Some things have gotten easier. I get fewer calls from school, now. Older boy successfully completed his first wrestling season with the support of his awesome teachers and staff; successfully completed his first season of CYO basketball, with the support of his fellow runners.

Younger son loves music class and piano, and is generally much happier and engaged. Not sure to what we owe it, but the fact that his classmates include him (as evidenced by his Valentine's Day party) probably has a lot to do with it. 

Nic had a new friend, but now, that line is silent, and I'm not sure why.

And then there's all my village elder commitments. I find that the small, still voice is telling me to back off. And I'm not sure if that's the voice, my own exhaustion, or some combination of both. 

The reality is this;  as both boys get older, it's just not cool for mom to be so hands on. Last night at Nic's wrestling banquet (which went better than I ever could have imagined, by the way), I was reminded repeatedly that Nic needed to be Nic--for better or for worse. His teammates did a great job of keeping him in line, just like his peers are keeping him in line for stage crew. 

Who said peer pressure can't be positive?

I am seeing an end to some of the things I am doing, though. I plan to follow through on my commitments to the end of this school year, and then refigure how best to spend my time and energy. I think I've done a lot of good, and I think I've done it all for the right reasons.  But.....

....something I can't quite put my finger on. I just know that these things are coming to an end, and I'm not sure if that's me talking or God.  

So. The next couple of months will play out and events will unfold as they will.

And the boys will be fine. It will not be easy, but when I think of what we've all already been through, I think we're up for anything. 

Angels on Loan

It's been a heady week of introspection and unscripted detours. I'm not sure which happened first, but that matters not.  Both things needed to happen. I just need to take care that I don't get crushed by own sense of obligation.

Nic turned 13 yesterday; I celebrated this in a guest lecture I gave on Wednesday, naming all the milestones I thought he'd never hit 10 years ago, noting all his activities within the community. These things are nothing new; I'm accustomed by now to sharing our story, and I could tell the narrative in my sleep.

Then, that small still voice suggested a detour: "You need to tell the whole story."

It wasn't even like I could play dumb. I *KNEW* precisely what I needed to say.

"Of course you know need to know what this looks like," I said, coming out from behind the podium. I sat on the desk and looked around the room. The professor's eye brows were up. "I don't want you to think I'm delusional, that I think he's going to be a great sports' star. Practices are hard." I went on to describe some of the episodes during his sports' seasons that led his coaches to reach for their scalps in frustration; things that left me clutching my own scalp in frustration and disbelief more than once over the past couple of months.

"But he's learning from these things that there is not a separate set of rules for Nic; he is expected to follow the same rules as everyone else." I sighed.  I didn't realize until I was home later what these admissions took out of me.  But it wasn't over--not yet.

"Is it humiliating for you?" one student asked.  "I mean, is that over?"

I told two stories; one from 10 years ago and one from two weeks ago. The first story illustrated my own initial inability to defend myself from some one who thought they could--and did--parent better than me. The second illustrated how good I've gotten at shutting people up.

"The only problem," I concluded at the end of my second story, "is that for every one Steve I have to deal with 50 Robs."

I've gotten so good at dealing with the 50 that the one is there to remind me that I'm not alone. And sometimes I get so wrapped up in my battles, I forget. But I'm not alone. I do have plenty of help. And for that, I am grateful.

There's another piece here that I can't commit to writing, yet. I'll get there when I'm ready.

Balancing Life's Ledger (2013 edition)

Community involvement does not fix everything, but man, does it go a long way toward growth for our kiddos.

Life with my middle schooler has had more than its fair share of mouth almighty moments. To me, those are the hardest to navigate, since he chooses to mouth off when he has an audience. It's very easy to catch him misbehaving, thus. It's also harder to parent meaningfully while ignoring 'helpful' parental input from people who have no idea what larger context surrounds a publicly mouthy moment.

Harder, realizing the greater strides he makes quietly, without fanfare. Praying with his team before basketball games; watching the game intently from the sidelines, cheering key plays from his team (wasn't this the same kid lying on the bench and staring into space less than two months ago?); tying his shoes (thanks, wrestling); running the snack stand at Pinewood Derby....this is a short list. This is expected behavior from an almost 13 year old..

And this is the behavior of MY almost 13 year old.

And I find that he now has a nickname on his wrestling team--the same nickname his dad had in middle and high school.

So much farther we need to go, yet astounding how far we've come. Wrestling and basketball will end soon; track will start up again shortly thereafter. He's down 10 pounds and in better shape than he's ever been. Just need to keep building on this framework.

My little guy enjoys his music and scouts--and won his second trophy in Pinewood Derby this past weekend.

Nobody ever said it would be easy. But the payoffs are blowing me away.

Just keep swimming.

Much to Ponder in my Heart

No, I haven't died.  Here's the short list why I've been largely absent here:

Nic:
7th grade homework (need I say more?)
Bowling league
Swimming
Social skills group
Therapy
Wrestling (middle school) (!)
CYO basketball (four games this week)
PREP (homeschooled)

Gabriel
Cub Scouts
Beginner Orchestra (violin)
music lessons (piano and violin)
Swimming
Bowling league
Social Skills group
PREP

Mom
Work
PREP
Cub Scouts
Managing all the above


The obvious question is: Am I nuts? (and the obvious answer is yes).  There is a method to my madness, however. That Nic is involved in middle school and CYO sports is already a huge win, since I never thought these things would ever be on the table, let alone something he'd be doing.

Let's be clear: he's never going to be a rock star athlete. That's not why he's doing it. He's doing these things because he's learning more about social skills, teamwork and sportsmanship than in any environment. It's not pretty. Sometimes, it's really hard to watch. Nic gets out there and does his best--and those games (10 points against St. Albert the Great a couple weeks ago--which included two free throws) get his whole team pumped.

Likewise, Gabriel announced during dress rehearsal for the winter concert: "I don't feel like doing this." Nonetheless, not only did he play his instrument well during the concert, he looked just like any other kid up there.

"I really didn't feel like playing," he confided at bedtime. "And that's what made it so awesome," I answered. "You went up there and did it, anyway. And you did really well."

I deliberately under scheduled this week because, quite frankly, as I reflect on our summer and fall, we've all been running hard. The kids appreciate hanging out and building their lego kits.  Nic's been grumbling that I am making him work out this week (and I'm glad for the basketball tournaments); however, he perks up when I remind him that he's lost 7 pounds since wrestling started and that he looks good.

External motivation is still key for Nic; there is an elevator road trip in his future if he completes his wrestling seasons successfully (success here simply means that he participates and competes; anything more than that is gravy). And for Gabriel, he simply enjoys everything he does. Which is the point.

Another important development this fall is Nic's new friend.  After about two years of correspondence, J's mom and I decided it was time to introduce our boys. And you would think they were friends forever the way they interact with one another--really great for them both.

As we finish this year, I am grateful yet again for the great strides both boys have made, and find myself, as I often am, raising bars, re-setting expectations, and wondering what to change, and how to change it.

I'm already looking ahead to our track season and working on Nic to get out and start training now. And since he's already training for wrestling, it'll be a much easier sell than previous years. Not that I expect him to be a champ; I just want him to be fit and healthy.

And you have to start somewhere.

Happy New Year.

Shatter the Glass Wall

"Give up," my husband said to me the other night.

He surprises me, sometimes.

This is the context: we took Nic to get certified for weight class in wrestling the other night. Nic left before they did the BMI test, so his submission was incomplete.  His coach called and asked us to come back.

Nic was in his flannels and tee shirt for the night. Hubby was done, in more ways than one.

I am not one to let a minor detail like that stop me.  I told Nic to get his jacket on, we're going.

He was too surprised to protest.

So we entered the phalanx of kids in the middle school hallway, Nic oblivious of the stares, and I suddenly get what hubby balked over. I am that mom, and Nic is that kid. And there was nothing left for me to do but hold my head high while I waited for Nic to complete what we came for.

The silence that followed us down the hall as we left was deafening.

And hubby was predictably mortified.

But for all this, there are several things to remember. People are going to talk anyway. People will look for things to talk about, anyway.  So why disappoint?  Who cares?

The reason I want Nic to do this is because he needs to learn teamwork. Wrestling is something he's shown interest in. He *wants* to try this. And I think that the pay off, that he will at long last create a peer group for himself at school that will not look at him as *that kid*, but as a fellow teammate, some one to watch out for,  and maybe Nic could learn to watch out for his friends, too.

The only outcome I expect is that he enjoy himself. And if this doesn't work, there's theater. And skiing. And track.

All of the sudden, what lies on the other side of the driveway somehow does not look unobtainable, anymore. Not to say that we don't struggle, or won't continue to struggle, but when I see what we've already been through, I'm pretty optimistic.

It helps that both kids have parties to look forward to the next couple of weeks. My little one has been invited to more parties in the next two weeks than he has the three years leading up to now. And Nic's new friend invited him and Gabriel to a family gathering next week.

We're getting there.

How High Can You Count?

It's been a while since I've had an update; it's not been for the lack of activity so much as the lack of time to sit down, reflect, and write. The days are packed, and I'm re-evaluating current programs for both kids.

Nic is doing well in 7th grade, in spite of himself. Predictably, Executive Function is tripping him up, as is his lack of social finesse. But he's gone to two dances so far this year, bowls, swims, plays soccer and just started CYO basketball. I'm trying to talk him into giving wrestling a try.

Gabriel takes violin and piano lessons in addition to scouts (top popcorn seller in his Pack for the second year in a row; top seller in his den third year in a row). bowling (no bumpers: in Nic's league this year), swimming and soccer. He starts CYO basketball next month.

Sometimes, the social deficit thing overwhelms me. I remind myself constantly to stop comparing; no one is on this particular road but me and my boys; everyone else has his or her own journey, and I don't know what their journeys are about. So stop.

It's so hard to stop when the grass looks greener on the other side of the driveway. But I must.

I can almost hear every teacher I ever had telling me, "Keep your eyes on your own paper."

Yeah. It's like that.

I am amazed at how much ground we've covered; I am painfully aware of how much farther we need to go.

And there is no choice but to keep going.