For Everything that Ever Got Away From Me

 Man, there’s only so much one can do.

But one can do so much.

Buckling up. Staying in my lane.

Doing all I can in it.

Dreams and Adventures

 So the boys went forth in the world, boarding a bus for Durham, NC and spending a week exploring some place new. They made and paid for their own arrangements.

Elder traveled out to Ohio last week and found out the hard way about missed connection and canceled legs. 

I spent last week on the water and making my peace with all the change I cannot change. I’m not there, yet.

This morning I had an early morning dream wherein I lost elder, then v 5.0. I stopped the car I was in because I saw him in a field with a house behind. By the time I got to where I had seen him last, he had disappeared.

Someone arrived and noted that loss happens, and moved on, leaving me to seek and not find.

And I find it upsetting on reflection, because it is true.

As it was, shall it ever be

 Cleaning out my office, I found this lovely little relic.

I could have written it last week, but closer inspection reveals that I wrote this maybe 15 years ago.

Is it still true? I was struggling with a lot at that particular time point (when was there ever not a struggle? Good question) and here I am, again, trying to make my peace with the way the chips land.

When will I ever?

In other news, the boys are traveling out of state by themselves. That’s all I’m saying about this for now. 

Mask Up

So. Something happened.

I already committed this to my private journal, so no need to belabor here. Suffice it to say, I am mourning, and I am masking.

I haven’t had the need in three years, and necessity compels me to do it now.

I’ve forgotten how uncomfortable it feels, yet I’m somehow better than ever at doing it. Maybe because I am building in breaks to take it off, idk.

I no longer feel safe.

What a privilege it was to feel safe.

Minus One

 This is what I’m calling this year, the sunset of my sixth decade, a year I never dreamed in a million years that I’d hit—it’s here, now.

I’m closing the end of my second year in my doctoral program by submitting my draft prospectus. Next comes approval and movement toward the proposal; then IRB, then God help me, I hope I can get people to talk to me.

I’m not there yet, but I’m a lot closer than I was two years ago.

I don’t know what comes next. Just trusting the process and that this is exactly where I need to be right now.

I think we are in the falling apart part of the program

 I’m sick. My voice isn’t working. That’s never a good thing. In a previous life, I must have been a prey animal, because the amount of anxiety sickness brings is beyond stupid. 

It’s really of a piece. Maybe this was as good as it was going to get. Now to get ready for the pancake. Which sounds a lot better than it is.

The weather has been gorgeous, and all I can do is enjoy it through the window.

What just happened?

 The magnitude of what happened yesterday is just beginning to catch up.

My kid did what no one expected him to do.

And he did it better than I did (GPA .5 better than mine) and in the same timeframe as his peers.

And he has his brother talking about when it’s his turn (not if. WHEN).

He’s working out the what next part. This may take a while, but that’s okay—even he was surprised at how quickly he did it.

Damn. This is a lot.