Sorting out all the things

 "Sometimes I want to break you/

And bring you to your knees...."

A line from a song that my first serious boyfriend referred to as our song.  I called him on that line.  He laughingly dismissed me.

And then I dismissed him.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Lucky in that I prefer to be alone and satisfied with my own company than to be with an abuser.

Sooooo many layers to that statement.....

Your relationships early on influence the way they will go forward. Once I rued the fact that I wasn't, like one sibling, a collector--people friends with literally a life time.  My friendships generally have a finite lifespan, partly because I lose patience with people and partly because if you hurt me, you are dead to me.

It's not a perfect science, but I'm not, either.

I'm okay to be alone in a crowd.  If I don't have anyone to talk to, I enjoy people watching.  Sometimes I will insert myself, and more often, I won't.

And sometimes getting in a word edgewise is too much work.

Ten years ago today I did something that influenced my  current professional life for the better.  I stepped into a role left void and it turned out, I was most excellently suited for it.

I'm thinking that from a career standpoint, perhaps I am a collector of sorts. I do have my peeps going back a while now, whose company I enjoy and seek out. 

I will never be an SVP anywhere, but I don't care. I like my little backwater. I like the life I created for myself and my boys. Now the next big step will be to help them both build a life they themselves will be happy to inhabit. 

Aftermath

 So we live now in a federal disaster area. Elder and I accidentally ended up on a road heavy hit and were gobsmacked by the damage.  As a community, we are traumatized, and I can't begin to imagine the depth and breadth of the trauma of those living in the wake. It's wrenching.  

Cleanup operations continue. Those who can are pitching in. It's a lot, but it's getting cleaned up.

But still. This. Is mind-blowing.  And it won't be the last. It's a lot more humid these days. The world is indeed heating up at a hell of a clip.

Those of a biblical mind will see things here. It kinda does feel like the end of the world.

Well, &*#$

 So, the last 24 hours has been.....something.

My younger guy had his last first day of school.

Then stuff got canceled because weather.

Things escalated quickly.

I had planned to meet my work people in town for dinner.  All the sudden, I had meetings crowd my last 2 hours of my work day, guaranteeing that I was ass in chair until 5 pm.

Things I supposed work out the way they do for a reason. The boys tried to shoo me out, but I felt strongly that I needed to be close to home. I felt a little wimpy bailing on my peeps, but at the same time, the feeling was strong.

Less than a half hour later, we were, the four of us, in the basement.  Power left about 20 minutes in. Elder's anxiety amped up.  Dad tried to tend his newts while fielding work calls with his headlamp on. We ventured upstairs about 45 minutes later, and the kids immediately started demanding what's for dinner. 

Uuuuuuh.  Hm. We can't cook. We can't open the fridge or freezer. And everyone is in the same boat. Or would be. Foolishly, we all got into the SUV and took off in the pouring rain. 

By now other alarms were going off.  We figured out a way to a Wawa (fortunately everywhere) and grabbed dinner on the go. We made our way back home, only to find that the way we came was blocked by a tree that had fallen and splintered in the street.

Dad and I both did the calculus that we could have, at any time, been under it. 

We spoke nothing of it. 

After dinner, G, dad and I played scrabble by flashlight, then called it an early bed time.

What we didn't know until later was that tornados ripped up quite a bit of our town, and what didn't get ripped up got flooded.

I wanna cry.

I've never lived anything like this. Until today.

On the Fly

 I need a minute.

All the things going on in the world is a bit much. The political stuff on its own is more than enough, but the fact that it's raining in Greenland and Antartica (now in winter FGS) has me a little freaked.  

Elder said to me the other day, "it sucks that the world is going to end in my lifetime." 

He showed up in my room as I was having a lie-in under the weighted blanket. I guess he figured it was a good time to let me know what was on his mind. 

We ended up talking about all kinds of things, mostly me explaining the ramifications of all the things happening in the world right now. And he's paying attention, because he had plenty of his own input.

Other stuff:  this and the negative committee in my head kept me up the better part of the night the other night. The best output of that was that I had a few things dispute the negative committee over the course of yesterday and some readjusting I can do because of that to help my family.

Other stuff:  dinner with hubby's work folks on Saturday was fun. We had arranged to meet up in Lambertville, and ended up walking across the bridge to New Hope for dinner instead. Beautiful night to eat outdoors and connect with folks. 

Entering the meteorological season called band. Younger is on mallets and rocking his instrument. Band director asked the section leader whether he had sold younger short (he did) (he has plenty of company). He sold his first program ad yesterday, and is stopping in our local pizzeria to see if he can sell another.  I'll buy an ad for the family (why not, younger's last year in band. I'll download and save it for him)

It's younger's last year. He's a senior. 

How the hell did that happen?

(The same way I woke up this year and everyone around me had gotten old....including me.....)

Hitting Pause

 I think I need a moment to rethink a few things.

My priorities have a weird way of getting upended and reshuffled.  And more often than not, my life falls somewhat lopsided, because I appropriate the wrong amount of importance to whatever I have on my proverbial plate.

It's easy enough to do, right?  Urgent is urgent, and whatever makes the most noise gets the most juice. Squeaky wheel and all that.

Except.....when the universe reminds of you of your place, wherever and whatever that may look like. Sometimes egos are bruised, but if that's all that hurts, you're pretty damned lucky. It's time to see beyond that and what is important, as opposed to urgent.

I hate the phone, and I hate phone calls. It bugs me not to be able to see the other person. But today I returned a call that not only went really, really well, it also has me thinking of next steps and other possibilities.

Reminders not to let my world shrink to the size of work

Reminders that the most important people in my life are the ones I live with, and they would have a tougher time without me than anyone else. 

Reminders that I have a whole tribe of people who think I am awesome. 

Whatever comes next, I think I can handle it.

We Went to a Garden Party...

I'm good about ranting and raving about the stuff that goes sideways, so I should be equally good about reporting the good stuff.  And this thing I've been sitting with goes to the good....

So, we were invited to a graduation party in the neighborhood.

That in it of itself is a singular event.

So, being thus, we accepted, with great angst on my part. Last time we had this happen, three years ago, it was a painful experience for my entire family. We accepted because, well, one does (and hubby said so); we left early-ish because I had gotten so wrapped up with chatting with the hired help that I didn't notice that elder was having a rough time.

It was fine; we wrapped up the kids, ordered them pizza, and took a sunset ride in the date car (because any time with the top down is a good way to blow off whatever is weighing you down).

So I look askance at this invite, but consider the advantages:  it's literally next door and we can up and go easily if it's not working for any of us.

I accept.  The kids are (amazingly enough) looking forward to it.  They both shower and dress, then look at the clock and out the window, noting that people are starting to show up.  Dad's not home yet, but that's fine, he can join us when he can.

We show up. I quickly assess that this is not an unfriendly crowd.  The honoree actually greets my guys with a hug. I'm asked about the dog and pull up pictures of her on my phone. The kids stake out the food table and set themselves up. I join them at a table they've selected, me on one side, they on the other.

It's a round table, and we have it to ourselves. At one point, I tell the kids that they are free to bail once their dad shows up.

But then something amazing happens. Neighbors we hadn't talked to in a long time sat down with us and started chatting with the boys. Our elderly neighbor across the street sat down with us when they left, and yet another pair of neighbors joined us at our table.

The boys stuck around a chatted for a while, then both went off to mingle. G sat by the music, occasionally calling out to the hosts that they had great musical taste and asked them to share their playlist with him. N regaled everyone with his bingo stories. And they hung out, pretty much talking to everyone. 

It was a lovely evening in every sense of the word. 

And the boys left when I left. 

I feel like we are slowly inching forward.

It was a Fine Two Hours....

 Good weekend. Art show with a friend and date night with hubby on Friday.  Saturday the boys spent the day with dad and their best friend. I stayed behind and cleared out the downstairs and caught up on all the laundry.

I have to say, it all looks pretty good. 

Then friend's mom texts me and tells me she is going to kidnap me and we'll hang out with her neighbors. YAY. Fortunately I had hit the brewery and was ready. 

Felt incredibly chuffed.  Even more so that it seemed like we found the quadruped a home.

Oh meet up was great!  Their dog bonded with our dog and the husband loved her, was so excited to take her on the spot.  My guy got choked up and bid goodbye, and off we went.

And the two of us felt amazing!  WOW! We did the right thing! We did GOOD. And we did it overwhelmed by the rest of the things! YAY US!  We went out to breakfast to celebrate.  The cloudy day couldn't have been brighter.....

(you know what's coming....)

Woman calls. We needed to come get the dog NOW.  

We should have let her stew and marinate, but she made it sound dire.  And hubby and I are both programmed to JUMP. We drive 40 minutes back to get her and.....well, it wasn't that bad, she just didn't want to chance it.

I was pissed. I didn't want to waste a minute more of my time on this person, but she kept going on and on and hubby kept engaging. Finally, I just said "Penny, up."  Got her in. Shut the door. We're done, here.

Black cloud and dog accompany us home. Elder goes after his little brother, triggered by the fact that the dog is in fact NOT gone.

So I called the rescue this am and put us on the wait list to surrender.  We tried. We really did. 

But the universe just isn't working this way.